There's just so much pain rippin and runnin its' awful ways around my existence. I'm older now, and the shoe is on the other foot... it just aint fair. I guess it's just Gods ways of teachin, Or his special way of payin me back for all the torture and torment I inflicted upon the people who actually did love me. Those who suffered for me. Those who really did want it better for me after all!

Now it's my turn, as it's been for the past year or so.

The year 1999, and especially the year 2000 left me as bare as a tree on the coldest winter day. And I aint talkin bout no damn fuckin evergreen neither. I'm talkin bout them pitiful, bony, dried up, leafless, ready to snap its dried up crispy branches at the slightest gust of wind. That's me. That dried up shriveled lifeless tree... and it just aint fair!

It started with Miguel. Muthafucka had no damn right leavin me after all them years of brother lover son wife type dedication. How tha fuck he goon shit on me just like that? Run up and snap all the branches he can reach and laugh as they fall to the floor, only to disappear into the earth - turnin into some kinda fuckin fertilizer or someshit. Then, fuckin Kevin followed right behind him, chickenin out and backin out after 10 years of sworn dedication of fatherhood... shit just aint fair! I mean how tha fuck that look when the one who for all them hopeless years, maintained a steady stream of convincing me to "Hang in there!" and "Don't give up!" giving up? Shit makes me question why tha fuck I was born any damn ways?

Losing the two closest people in my life only made my brick wall of a "heart" fuckin five layers thicker. Made me walk in a fuckin daze steadily repeating the mantra I lived by as a child. The mantra I chanted as I lived with my mom... sayin it over and over again and again inside my head and every so often out loud... "Nobody loves me! Nobody cares!" I walked for months in a daze. So many sweet things offered me their love. Their complete undivided love, devotion and of course, attention... but not for me fellas. Ugh Ahhh I aint takin no chances! Fuck that! Expose my heart and my love? Give of myself only to get taken for a complete fool once again? Don't think so. I've always been an untrusting unbelieving lil guy, but now? Now I'm completely destroyed. I'm talkin 10 years folks! 20 years if you combine the two. The two most important people in my life since I was 12 years old... how could I be such a fool? So blind deaf and dumb? How come I couldn't see it coming? I think back to all them nightmares I used to have of my baby sneakin around and givin his love other places as I trusted and believed... those nightmares where he would run from me laughin, pointin, and stickin his fuckin tongue out at me as he ran away into the darkness with his arms around some cheap floozy! I used to tell Kevin bout all them dreams I was havin, but he always re-assured me that my baby would never leave my side. Hell no! Not if he been there for all that time. Shit wasn't gonna happen! I always felt it. Especially towards the end. But Kevin? Who would've thought he'd crap out on me? My dad? My papi? The only one I thought really and truly loved me always and forever? Damn... shit hurts so bad! .... damn... shit just aint fair...

Slowly but surely I started to let my guard down. If not for need of a good strong hug, then for need to bust a nut deep into the bowels of some smooth lil puppy type being. Now I had to choose which one of them lil cuties to let penetrate my soul as I penetrated their body. There were three I was holdin lil small typa relationships with, no matter how much they hunted me down and felt me up... Two Dominicans and a black. They were once friends, but the fight for my attention led them to bicker, argue and eventually fight with their fists, feet and teeth. They used to try to humiliate, be-little, and make fun of each other. Focusing on each others weaknesses and faults. Each trying to out suck and out fuck the other. Always comparing their skills and askin "Who does this better, me, or "L" or "C" ?"

Each bringing me different little gifts, presents and each claiming stake to my residence by leaving things of importance behind. Be it their jewelry, hats, school stuff, or purposely leaving a pair of used Fruit of the Looms under a pillow or blanket so the next lil guy'll find em, hoping to create some sort static... I'll tell ya, lil monsters can be the most manipulative beings on the face of the earth!

Each one breezed into my life, but the one that I finally let into my soul was the one sent from god.

Appearing like a mirage. An apparition. I saw those burgundy sweat pants that were much too small for him. Leftovers. Hand me downs. Feel me ups. There it was. The most perfect ass I've seen for a long long time. Perfect. You know the kind. The kind only given from god to boys with African blood. Allot of African blood! The kinda ass that starts at the top of their hips and comes out at a 90 degree angle. Then comes down to meet the tops of their thighs in perfect half circles. If you cut a basketball, cantelope or other 360degree round item in half to form 180degrees of heaven. Pure heaven. An angel. You know, you just know that if you reach out and grab it, it is firm, muscular, yet wielding to your grip. So hard yet so so soft. The kinda ass that men paid me for all them years to let them cop feels, licks or more of. There it was. I saw it on that rainy day standing inside the Chinese fast food joint. Not a day over 11. Couldn't be. I just know these things. Then I saw my break. On this rainy fall night, I'm walking my pit-bull [of course] when I notice the cheap, dirty,always picks on the kids, owner of the Chinese joint, raisin his fist and cursing at them burgundy sweats. I didn't hesitate to play hero. As Chinaman screamed curses in Spanish [which he thinks he can talk but got the vocabulary of anyone who's lived in my neighborhood for more then 5 years] I puffed out my chest, and with the back up of my pit-bull, I assured the sweetie pie that "I got his back". The Chinaman held in his verbal threats of physical abuse, gave the kid his change, and we both exited within seconds. We exchanged intros and a bond is formed.

Now that we met, I had an excuse to talk every time our paths crossed. Since we both lived on the same block, was quite often. About 4 days after the Chinese connection, we talked as we walked down the block towards my building. At my stoop, I sat down, and my new friend sat next to me. So close that our legs touched. As he spoke, I noticed the difference between him and my other lil puppies. He wasn't ghetto in the least bit. Almost on the brim of "nerdy." We went to go sit in the small lobby of my digs and as we spoke, he dropped his pants and underwear to his sneakers. As he did this, he walked around in a little shuffle due to the constraints of his pants binding his legs close together. It was out of the blue, un called for, un asked for, un provoked yet un-believable!!!! I didn't reach out and grab his cheeks in one hand and little peanut in the other. I didn't put my face between them perfect spheres, breath deeply, and shove my tongue inside. As a matter of fact, I almost couldn't look. Kinda like in the gym locker room. I snuck peeks, but pretended like I wasn't about to cum all over myself with a strong breeze. I don't know why! I didn't want him to think that there was nothing more I wanted at that moment in the whole world than to seize and conquer. To devour. To live the rest of my life inside that ass! But now I was buggin! Why did he do this? What was on his mind? Did he know about me? Could he sense it? Was I puttin out vibes of sex? Was I tellin him psychokineticly to burn my eyes with that ass that shot beams of god? Rays of light? Energy of the universe?

He pulled up his pants and came and sat down on the chair next to me. He kept looking down at damn near 10" of hard dick bursting inside my pants, straining to get free. He leaned over me to take a paper sign off of the wall leaning his weight on one hand. One hand on my lap. One hand directly on my dick. He copped a feel. Squeezed to see for himself if what he was lookin at could possibly be something attached to my body, and not a sneaky trick I was playing upon his desires by putting a banana inside my pocket. "Just to fool him!" When he grabbed hold of my shaft inside my jeans, my reflexes caused my butcheeks to squeeze together, sending a surge of blood through my dick and causin it to throb in his grip. Causing it to expand in thickness and length as he squeezed. "You better stop, or I'm gonna cum all over myself!" I warned him, as he quickly moved his hand away, his cover blown.

He lingered just one split millisecond too long and as soon as he pulled away, I closed my eyes in ecstasy, and shot millions and millions of minuscule Luis Miguel Fuentes' all over myself. All on my boxer shorts, and leaking quickly through them and onto my pants! As wave after wave of pleasure rippled through my body with each throb, squirt, and clench of my anus, I reached out and out of pure animal instinct, grabbed his small and perfect ass. I slid my hand so easily inside his pants. Slid it right down inside his Fruit of the Looms and held onto his firm, hot ass. I slid a fingertip between his cheeks and touched his hole, and the kid didn't even flinch! Wave after wave. Ripple after ripple. Throb after throb. Squirt after squirt. I thought it would never end! I can't remember ever cummin that fuckin much in my whole life. I damn near passed out from the sheer pleasure of the earth shattering orgasm!

As I came back down to earth, I slid my hand outta his pants with the quickness and in one motion, passed my fingers under my nostrils for a quick whiff! Musky, lovely, sweet, sweet ass! I slid off the chair and ran into my apartment without lookin at my new "baby" and spoke, "I'll be right back monkey, ok?" He gave me a monotone, "Yeahhh." and I went into my apartment to change outta my cum drenched bottoms. Before I shut the door I turned to give him a devious smile which was returned ten times as sinister!

After that afternoon, we managed to spend as much time together as possible. Two weekends after the day in my lobby, he managed to secure permission to spend the whole weekend with me. He lived with his pops and grandmother who was ancient, and his pops was in the hospital. I later found out his father was stricken with many diseases, as well as narcotic addiction. Anyway, my sweet little WestIndian beauty, was to be mine, all mine for the whole weekend. That meant two nights and three days without interruption of the outside world.

He showed up at the exact time he said he would, 3:45pm. He had with him a backpack filled with a few changes of clothes, as well as his Nintendo, and favorite cartridges. I smiled at his little pack of completeness, so as not to need to return to his apartment until it was time. Until our time was "up" that is! We hugged each other as if we were lovers of many years and re-uniting after a long absence. I looked into his eyes and we locked lips. His tongue met mine, as if he knew exactly what was to be expected. I took one of his hands into mine and placed it onto my dick which was about to rip the fabric of my jeans to shreds, just to set itself free! He commented under his breath, "Holy Shit!" as I reached around and felt up his ass. We struggled to strip outta our clothes and into my bed. Within seconds we were completely free of any interference, and he laid ontop of me butt naked, grinding his little 4 inches into me as I fingered him. The whole time we were chasing tongues. I flipped him around and took a good complete look at his incredible ass before I shoved my face between his cheeks and devoured him with the skill and desire of a madman. He took my dick in his hands and slowly put it inch by inch into his mouth. It wasn't long before I cummed wave after wave deep into his throat as I had my tongue as deep as it would and could go into his bowels. He took my seed as if he hadn't eaten in days. He left me clean, with only the remnants of boyspit on my shaft. I was inlove! This was all just too good to be true!

He spun around and we kissed again. "Suck my dicky" was what he had to say. Of course I wouldn't deny him the pleasure! Nor me! The kid couldn't cum yet and just wanted me to suck him so as to be fair!

We spent the rest of the day playing video games, tellin stories, etc... I had him in tears as I told him of my life! He felt my pain! He was sent by god to fill the void left by Miguel. He was super intelligent. A natural musician. A comedian. A charismatic individual. It wasn't long before I actually moved into his apartment. I was accepted by his small family as one of theirs. His pops saw the love between us, and knew he had little to offer his boy due to his illness. His pops was actually a boy who was involved with a man during his youth. He approved of our love. I walked him to school and picked him up every day. I studied with him. Did his work with him. And taught him to respect what he had cause even though he felt god dissed him, when he compared what he had to my life, he saw he had allot! He was surrounded by love!

Funny kid that he was. He would finger himself, or place various objects inside himself as he showered or bathed to prepare himself for the inevitable day that I asked to take him fully. I was content with 68. Suckin his ass as he sucked my dick. I could live inside that ass if god would allow it! I finally took him completely that summer. The summer before his 11th birthday. I took it nice and slow in a sideways position. I went in rather easy if you consider my size and what it was trying to go into! I let him do the pushing. Let him be in control. Let him decide just how much would go inside. How fast it would move in and out. How deep it would penetrate! It was entirely up to him! He quickly got on top and humped away like a pro and I shot in about 10 minutes, the fastest ever between us! [Except the first day in my old lobby]. I filled the condom practically to the point of exploding! There was a few weeks or a month of him in control, till he asked me to "fuck the shit outta him!" I guess the god of sex possessed him! Or shall I say, the Horny little Devil! Well, don't gotta ask me 2 times for something like that! I fucked and fucked and fucked for damn near an hour. I fucked till he had his first wet orgasm! We were both bliss filled maniacs!

Time moves on as it usually does. We grow to become one. I see myself in him, as does he! "Look, I'm just like you Luis, look!" As he points out various reactions, responses and reasoning. He grows up more and more every day, and trades action figures with action. He becomes desperate when he cant find me and when he finally does, he smells my fingers, dick, shirt, and anything else that might uncover facts of assorted ass seizures resulting from my wandering eyes and wanton desires. If we decide to take a walk down one of our neighborhood blocks, he drags and pulls my ass seeking eyes his direction. He demands constant attention and reassuring of my love. Riddling my neck with hickeys to ward off evil ass advances! Marking his territory as a domestic animal might. "Mine, mine, mine!!! All mine!" as he's said so many atime in not as many words! Sniffing my sheets, my pillows and such for scents of enemy invasion! "Uhhh Haaaa!" He exclaims, as he checks the jar of Vaseline he secretly marked our most recent usage levels with a marker or grease pencil! Sneaky lil devil! Smart as hell he is, the lil fucker!!! For a new jack, he seems to be an old pro at deceit and trickery! Something I'll never get the chance to figure out how and why!

Not six months into opening my heart to potential danger and damage, I got hit with a lil short term vacation due to outstanding warrants. A luxury hotel of sorts. C-76. Rikers Island Adolescent division. Round trip transportation provided! All inclusive! "Three hots and a cot" as they say. Rikers Island. Shit aint too much more than a homeless shelter run by "Bloods, Crips, and Gangsta Disciples!" Ain't a fuckin speck, hint nor clue of the infamous"Aryian Nation!" Like they show so prevalent on AmeriKKKan television! I hit the hotel runnin, just waitin for a buncha mini Hitlers and racist Klansman in mini kiddie form to hang, torture, and bang my Dominican ass six feet deep! Anyway, when they C.O.'s brought me to my "suite" I noticed a few small groups of black kids fighting each other around the "rec" [recreation] area, when I spotted my cousin Eddie spottin me from across the floor. He quickly approached as I signed in my "contraband" eg. earrings, etc... and he dropped it on me... "Why the fuck is they all fightin, primo?" I asked inquisitively. He smiled a devilish, guilty as sin smile my way, avoiding eye contact, and replied, "you don't know, primo? They fightin over who gets to rob you of your sneakers!" I couldn't believe it... I knew right then and there, it was gonna be a long ass six months! I had to come in fightin or else they was gonna stomp all over me, and in minutes, I'd be washin shit stains outta shitty boxers and bein the "tail end" of a train, if you catch my drift!

By the third day I got my first letter from my heart and soul. It was a love filled teary honey drippin cum encrusted horny love letter...100% ghetto! 100% authentic reality! 100% true love!!! The photos he sent, along with the constant stream of letter and phone calls made my time there so much easier, as well as giving me somethin to actually look forward to for the first time in my fuckin life! I actually had someone I could count on once again, and this seemed so "meant to be" so "special" so absolutely "IT!" My baby was actually counting down the days. Actually had a "countdown" chart on his wall, awaitin the day of my release!... The day couldn't have taken longer if it tried... I got home two days before he expected me, and surprised him. When he came home from school that day, I was in his house waitin... shit was really really truly like some shit outta some dumb damn fuckin movie bro! All huggy, kissy, tear filled and hard as hard can be. As his tongue met mine, I had to push away cause I felt my dick start clickin like it be doin when I'm about to cum, and I damn sure wasn't bout to waste no damn "held just for him" load on a kiss, dig? That nut was waitin for when we had the chance to rip off each others clothes and I had my tongue deep inside his perfect ass as he licked, sucked and sucked and sucked me like his damn life depended on tha shit! Like it was some life or death type shit!... Even my hair was quivering for that special "first" ejack we shared! It's so damn crazy how different a "cum" can be when one is making love - or better yet, bustin nuts with someone that you love, as opposed to just some strictly sex type shit…follow what I'm sayin'?

Days turned into nights turned into days and with each breathing second we grew as one. I never thought I could love again after almost two years of heartache…My wounded soul - healed! Life just couldn't have been any better. Kevin was back in my life in full effect…not that he ever left, he just was mad at me for refusing to grow up and refusing to take any responsibility for myself, and me, the wounded puppy just read his frustration the wrong way… I just wanted to be the victim so I could say, "I told you so" but he wasn't lettin that happen. I wanted to show the world that every adult that ever loved me never did really…but he wasn't lettin that happen neither! My dad! My only true family…he wasn't lettin go that easy…hells no…he knew I could be the biggest asshole in the world when I wanted to…just so I could feel sorry for myself and tell the world on full blast…"NOBODY LOVES ME!" Like I said earlier when I'd ask my ma…"Ma do you love me!" and she'd say "Yes Luis" and I'd reply "No you don't", and we'd go back and forth like this about a hundred times until she would get so mad at me she'd eventually smack me across the face. That way I could say…"I told you you didn't love me!"…

Anyways… as the school year ended and I walked my boy to and from every morning just as if we was actually goin steady… I woke up on a Tuesday to bring him to school and his grandmother told me that his mother picked him up to take him to North Carolina to go to some damn fuckin Military academy…I felt my stomach drop, my eyes swell with tears and my heart begin to palpitate…my hand started to shake and my bottom lip quivered as I stood there baffled…"Huh?" my reply in disbelief. "Are you ok Luis? I said he aint here, he left last night. It's ok, its better for him to be with his mother anyway." Before she could shut the door, I turned on my heels and ran into the stairwell to hide the tears streaming down my face. I sobbed as I never did before…never! Is god really doing all this for all these years just to hurt me or am I just feeling sorry for myself? And they say god is a good god?!? GOOD TO WHO? I looked to the sky and asked, "God, do you love me?" and waited a few minutes for an answer before I said out loud, "No you don't!"