I never felt like that before! Bewildered…more like "baffled" I guess. A word that would have Kevin laughing whenever I used it. To tell you the truth, I never in my life really felt actually "baffled" until now! I, Luis Miguel Fuentes, am the living, breathing, walkin and talkin definition of "baffled!" The way it all ended so quickly, baffled! The way it was finally over, baffled! The way I was really, truly on my own, baffled! The way I was really clueless as to how to go about actually moving forward from where I was standing…baffled.! Baffled, bitter, and mad! No, I wasn't mad at Kevin, I was mad at the universe! Mad to be Saved is what I was. Mad to be saved is what I had been my whole life! You know, out of all the books Kevin wrote, it was my least favorite, but now, how ironic is it that it is what I realized I WAS! I guess there was no way Kevin was gonna have me around once he found out that for all these years I was really a JUNKIE! All those years I hid it so cleverly! So cunning I was. Oh, there was many times he knew somethin wasn't right! Somethin was definitely wrong. So much just never added up! But he always figured it was just my brain being eaten alive by the Disease! The HIV finally won and cleared the path for AIDS to take over completely. Oh Kevin, man I am so sorry! I never in my life felt guilty about nothin! Hells no, you gotta have a conscious for that! You gotta have rules and boundaries for that! Gotta have people build you up before you can let them down, right? Well I felt it for the first time in my life. Guilty! A lowlife, sneaky little rat! That's all I ended up being after all them years! Oh, my love, it has always been as real as they come, aint no question bout that, but there I was, all them times he thought I was so sick and so fucked up from this disease, it was actually an entirely different one that had won me over and taken over my body. It was the disease of addiction! I was nothin more than a Heroin addict since I was a small boy! Shit, I never cared! Hells no, I truly accepted the fact that I was gonna die with a needle in my arm! Accepted, acknowledged and anticipated the day! Only thing is, I never thought I would have lasted this long! How could I? How did it ever happen? And what made my last OD different from all the others? Why was it that that last overdose, I didn't run into the room and shoot the same shit into my arm again, only a tad bit smaller of a shot? Why did I hightail it down to Beth Israel Medical center and sign up for a detox and a drug program? I mean I wasn't court mandated! That never stopped me either! Shit, when my P.O. told me she was gonna have to start piss testing me, well, I just stopped goin at all! See, NOTHING in the WORLD would ever interfere with my heroin habit! No judge, [I got some excellent heroin in RIKERS Island] no Probation Officer, no love poured down on me from some larger person who wanted to pick me up, make me his son for life, and lover of a different caliber, no love going in the upward direction from one of my sons, puppies, lovers, or whathave you! NOPE! I was gonna die with a needle in my arm, and it was OK! I accepted it! It was my secret and a deal I made with the Devil himself when I wasn't even 10 years old! He said to me, " Luis, you agree to die shooting some kick ass Dope, and I'll make it so any piece of ass you ever EVER dream of havin will be YOURS! No iffs, and's only BUTTS about it!" Yup, the DEVIL and Luis Webster! A childhood tale of a different sort! A Kiddy tale of tails! A secret I swore I'd take with me to the grave! But somehow it didn't end like that! Nope! Somehow, the love of my pa thrown in my face and dissolved before these very baby blues was enough for me to make the deal with Satan null and void! A big VETO across the front page of our agreement! Ill tell ya. Kevin let me know to never call or speak to him again now that I made him feel like a fool, and I kicked cold turkey that day! It lasted 15 days! 15 days sick to death without a shot and I couldn't take it one more second! I went to 175th and seen my boy Arizona and copped 5 of the Bomb! Dropped 4 of them into a spoon, drew it up, found a starvin vein so fast it was un believable, slid in my new syringe and squeezed off slowly! No SLAM! I took my time! I took out the set just as I rushed! I got hot from head to toe and every single dope sick cell in my whole body was bowing down to their god and drinkin from his fountain of godly nectar. I wiped the drops of blood with an alcohol prep, cleaned out my set, and realized I needed something cold and sweet to drink! I walked into the kitchen, I was staying at Barry's fathers house, but his dad was in the hospital and he was in Brooklyn so I was alone. I walked into the kitchen and poured a heap of sugar into a glass and some lemon juice, getting ready to fix myself a glass of ghetto lemonade, and that was it! 7 hours later I woke up on the floor of the kitchen. I had smacked my head into the counter because I had a gash above my eyes and dried blood on my face. At first I didn't know where I was. Then I looked at the clock and HOLYSHIT! 7 hours had passed! FUCK! If you would have seen me on the floor, you would have figured I was dead! And, well, I was…just about anyway! My god damn millionth OD, but it was different! I never went back after that shot and after that day! I went right into a program! That was then and this is now and I'm ok! I'm still on the right track! Only now…I'm, clean for the first time in my life! Shit, from the time I met Kevin at about 13, I was a veteran of the needle! I couldn't tell him, but I was! Hell no, if I told him one of 2 things would have happened, either he would have turned around and never looked back at me, or he would have made me get clean by any means necessary! I wasn't gonna tolerate either scenario! Nope! If I called all the shots up until then in my life, I wasn't about to stop! I didn't want any help because I didn't have a problem! I turned enough tricks to take care of my habit and then some. A problem is if I had to rob and steal and beg and sell my stereo to get straight or high! Nahhhh, I really thought I had everything in control! Well, by the end, it took me about 3 - 400 a day to stay normal! Kevin loved me, and would NOT have sat around watchin me kill myself! NOPE! So I mad sure I kept that habit of mine on the deep deep low down secret type tip! Word! As a matter of fact, the only person who even had a hint as to what I was doin was Miguel because he lived with me and was the one who used to find me unconscious in the bathroom a few times a year! He knew I was messin with heroin but I don't think he knew to what extent, or knew what it meant to be addicted, or even knew I was mainlining for that matter! I was good at maintaining that double life I led forever! Shit! I was strung out for years before I even had hair on my dick! I had a lifetime to perfect my skills of deception! Yeah! I broke Kevins heart! I never meant to but I did! I always said I was an old pro at destroying relationships, but this one was different! Kevin and me, we was for life! Ask anyone that knew us! He was my dad! I was his son! And let me tell you, I kept it together for so long! Kept up the charade until the mask just came flyin offa me! I tried as hard as I could to hold it on, but I couldn't anymore! It just flew out of my hands as I held on! I lost my grip! I tried so hard to hold onto that fucker but it just slid out from my grip like it was greased down! Well…that was then and this is now! And I got more than a year clean! Not a day passed that I didn't think of what I did! Not a day passed where I didn't regret the years I threw away for some icedtea colored liquid I squirted into my veins over and over again…sometimes it felt good…mostly it just made me feel like you feel for free! For some reason,, the judge heard my appeal and let me off of death row! Even though they all knew I did it! They all knew the glove wasn't O.J.'s, it was really mine! But they gave me a second chance and I took it! I'm like a little kid now who is finally allowed to walk around. Finally allowed to see things for myself! I never noticed anything before! I lived the live of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll but I wasn't no Rock Star! But I had little groupied wherever I went….that Devil! If nothing else, he always keeps up his end of the deal. His end of the bargain! Well, it's been over a year and I started getting a few emails here and there. I miss Kevin so much! I miss Sandburg! Miss Pepper! Even miss them kids that lived across the street! Them little country ass hillbilly kids that was as wild as the weeds growin on the side of the roads up there! I miss it all! I don't miss what we had cause I was never fully there, what I miss is what I never had cause everything I did and everything I experienced was through cloudy glasses. I was always on a short leash and nothin, I mean nothing was more important that what was inside those glassine envelopes! Nothing had more pull or influence over my actions, reactions, decisions, motions, movements and emotions than that off white powder that was inside of them little envelopes stamped with catchy names like "Do or Die" "Money Train" "Dead Presidents" "House of Pain" all different names with the same effect. All of it dictated my life. All of it determined how long I could stay at Kevins! All of it was how I measured my time. Like if you asked how long I stayed, I'd be able to tell you I stayed for 55 bags. TO get the actual days would take work cause then I'd have to do the math. Figure out how many bags I'd shoot in a day and divide…you get the picture! Well…that was then…this is now! I wanted a second chance. I wanted a first experience! I wanted forgiveness! I wanted what I wanted but I wasn't sure I was gonna get it, or anything, cause I had no more pull! My words were just that, words! I was at the full and complete mercy of the universe! Groveling at the feet of all those I loved, but hurt over the years time and time again! Nahhh, I wasn't 12 no more and havin that pull I had as a kid! That pull of the ready willing and able and without limitations or parents! Nope! No more pull! No more nada! Know Pepper didn't get hurt like Kevin, but Peppers is Kevins boy and he wiped up Kevins tears and helped mend his broken heart, so I'm sure he has hate for me cause I hurt the person he loves the most! But see, it's all up to Kev, if he forgives then they will follow for the most part! If he don't, then I aint got a chance! Nope! Not a shot in hell! All I could do was hope and pray and wait and see. I didn't wanna send Kev an email askin if I could visit him and his boys cause then he had the chance to think about it and the chance to say no! What I did was pack up a backpack with my favorite pairs of jeans and shirts and hit the road on my Suzuki Katana. I had a pocket full of money! See, I'm not a junkie no more, so I can actually buy things I want, things I need, things! I Knew how to get there from years of traveling back and forth in Kevins car and on the bus. I had plenty of cash for gas, tolls, food, and motels along the way if I felt like stopping! Plus I could see the country! Since I copped the bike, all I did was ride local in the 5 burroughs. The longest trips I had made so far was to Philly to check out one of my little brothers and to the Hamptons to check out this boy David I used to have living with me when I worked in West Hampton beach summer before last. [See short story - God is a Good God] I waited until the perfect time. A weekend when the weatherman predicted a nice, warm, dry weekend. I picked a perfect day a few weeks before my birthday and started bright and early. The trip went without incidence. I made it my business to stay at a few motels along the way, and believe me, it paid off. I'll whip up a short story after this one so you can meet the people I met along the way! I'm sure you can picture exactly what I'm talkin about! Just around sundown on Sunday I found myself turning onto Main Street in Sandburg. The sweet sweet smell in the air let me know I had arrived! My home away from home for the past 10 years! The lights were on in the livingroom, so I knew my dad and step brothers were home! I only hoped I would be welcome after such a long time and arriving un announced. My heart beat faster with each step closer to the front door. I thought about turning around, getting back on my back and going home! Maybe I made a mistake coming here! I had butterflies in my stomach. I reached out one shaky finger to press the doorbell! I pressed! "Ding-Dong!" it screamed all loud in an electric bell tone! "Well, too late to turn around now, unless I made a run for it!" I thought to myself. Well, no one was coming. I pressed the bell again. "Ding-Dong" I reached out and checked the doorknob to see if the front door was locked. I took the knob in my hands and twisted it but it was locked. That's when I heard the footsteps. They were makin their way to the door. Now I was ready to puke I was so nervous. The door opened and there was Pepper standing there. He looked at me once, twice, then he realized who I was and his face lit up! He smiled ear to ear as he opened the door. He jumped and threw his arms around me.

"My big bro! Where ya been Lui, KEV, IT'S LOO-IE!" He yelled into the house. I held Pepper up in the air and kissed his cheek. Kevin stuck his head around the corner to see if it really was me!

"Well - well - well, what a nice SURPRISE!" he said. "Don't just stand there looking baffled, boy, Come IN!" he said as he laughed as happy to see me as I was him. Pepper took me by the hand and led me into the back livingroom as he bombarded me with 1000 questions.

"So, where ya been? Why didn't you call? Where'd you get the motorbike? Can I have a ride? What kind is it? What color? Is it fast? You hit 100 yet? Where'd you ride from? You hungry? Thirsty? How long you stayin? You got fat, you look good, you eat hamburgers yet? …" He just went on and on, not missing a beat! Also he didn't forget a single thing! He remembered that I didn't eat meat a few years ago! How stupid was that also. There I was a full fledged HEROIN ADDICT, but I didn't eat meat…hells no,…that shit'll kill ya! Pass my syringe!" What an idiot I was! I swear! Pepper was leading me into the room as Kevin grabbed me by the shoulders, looked into my eyes and hugged me as hard as he could! It felt more real and more powerful and filled with more love than any hug I have ever had in my entire life! Shit! There I was, 23 years old and getting my first hug of my life! There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Even Pepper was crying. Kevin let go and I took a step back, never takin my eyes off of his. Scared to blink because I maybe end up back in New York in some detox unit somewhere. He smiled, I smiled, took a step forward with my arms open and outstretched and fell back into each others arms again.

"I love you papi! Im so sorry! I love you, and I never meant to hurt you! Te quiero demasiado!" I said in a whisper into his ear.

"Shhhhhhhh! It's ok Loo-ie! I'm sorry too. It's ok mijo!" By this time, Pepper joined us into this gigantic three way hug with more love emanating from us than some small countries have all together! Kevin sat on the big leather couch, dragging me down onto his lap with him. Him dragging me dragging Pepper. The three of us all in a pile. Me on top of him with Pepper on top of me. I cried that evening. I sat on the couch and sobbed like I had never sobbed before. I let out so much pain and anguish with those sobs. I sobbed for my childhood. I sobbed for my birth dad. I sobbed for my mom and for my fucked up childhood. I sobbed and Kevin understood. Why shouldn't he, he always did! He is the only one who ever understood me! There was just that one dirty secret I couldn't let him in on and it destroyed us in the end! But here I am, back again! Back in Sandburg! Buck with Kevin! And I have finally grown up, which he always wanted me to do. I'm not jealous of Pepper, I'm happy for him! I'm happy for them! I can't imagine a boy so young, so sweet injecting the demon himself into those virginal veins! I Can't fathom the idea! Then why was it ok for me to do I wonder? Why was it allright for me to punish myself? To hurt myself? To kill myself? Why? Oh god it felt so good to finally be home again after that year and a half, almost two years of almost no contact at all. All that time virtually alone, forced me to grow up! Forced me to really become a man for once in my life. Not some small little mini man,! Not some little big man, but a man, a real man for once in my life! Responsible for myself. 100% responsible for myself. Alone! Without the help of anyone! Responsible for whatever person I'm showering my love on! Not calling Kevin every week or two to send 50, 100, 250 bucks for rent cause the money I was supposed to spend on rent I shot into my arms. Nope! I did it! And I did it all by myself! And now I am at my home away from home! I am at the only place besides my own bed I am comfortable! And I am with the only adult I have ever been comfortable around, Kevin! I am in a town that is the Yang to the Yin I lived in! It is the complete opposite of the place I have lived since I came to NY! Just like Kevin is the other half of the circle that makes 360 degrees, well this town SANDBURG is the same! It is the small post office - general store type of town you see on t.v.! More people live on my street in New York City than populate Sandburg in its entirety. Yet, I am finally home! I finally made it home! And I am who I am supposed to be for a change! No secrets this time around! No fake faces! No hiding out in a bathroom on the second floor and sneaking a syringe out of its hiding spot and 3 bags out of their respective stash and no more going through the ritual of shooting up. The dirty yet sacred, the filthy magical decadent ritual…no more! No more dripping blood everywhere! No more boys asking me what those cuts on my arms and hands are from! No more elaborate tales of fights that never have happened and cats scratching me that never existed! Nahhh, what you see is what you get for once! This is like our first meeting in a way. I have never seen Kev through sober eyes and with a sober mind. I always looked through cloudy glasses. I liked what I saw. My love for Kevin was still there only a lot stronger, and for once, it was what it was, nothing more and nothing less. I was no longer this untrusting boy thinkin everyone was tryin to get over on me when it was me who was really tryin to get over on everyone. I did something I hadn't done since I was about 14, I put my nose directly onto his and looked directly into his eyes. Deep! Deeper than I ever had! For once, I actually saw my father in there. I looked and I actually saw what I was looking for all them years! All them years of creepin around! All them years of turnin tricks and years of man after man, boy after boy, person after person, soul after soul. So many years I lost. So many years consumed by rage! Consumed by the blood of my father still wet and all over me. Covering my upper body! My blood and his mixed. So many years blamin my ma for turnin me out. Givin up before I tried cause I convinced myself I never had a chance! I didn't did I ? Well…I really did! I just never allowed myself the pleasure to know it! I was tired! I was exhausted! I was old yet so young! I was used up, yet so fresh and brand new! The ride from New York City to Sandburg really had me wiped out. I could barely stand up straight! Kev whispered somethin to Pepper and he ran up to the second floor. Pepper came down, in a few minutes, took my helmet which was still in my hand and put it on the table by the front door. He pulled at the sleeve of my jacket and I extended my arm. I was exhausted! Emotionally drained and just plain old fashioned TIRED! I let the boy take my jacket off of me like he was the adult and I the child. He hung it up in the hall closet with care and expertise like an old pro! How old was he now anyway? He couldn't be a day over 12, 13 the most if I remembered correctly. Kevin looked to him and he looked back and with eye contact and slight moves of the head, he sent the boy around the room doing various tasks. He came back into the sala and handed me an ice cold Country Time lemonade which was already popped open. I slugged and chugged and drank the sweet but thirst quenching drink in one gulp. I looked over to Kevin who looked back to me and smiled as he got up to flick on the big color television in front of him. Pepper took my hand in his and led me up the stairs and into the bathroom which had a huge oversized tub already filling with a hot bubble bath. Kevin! What a character. It was simple things like that which he never forgot! Simple little pleasures that I always enjoyed in my fucked up life. Dope fiend or not, I loved a good hot bubble bath! Pepper undressed me once again, like I was some little kid he had home for the first time. He took his time and carefully removed my shirt, undershirt, socks, pants, sweatpants, shorts and boxers. That was an old habit I may never shake, dressing in layers. It was what we Times Square boy hookers were famous for, our peel off a layer at a time wardrobe. The boy guided me into the tub and I inched my way down into the steamy bubbles, forgetting to take off my du-rag. He reached into the tub and untied the back strings that held it in place and pulled it off revealing more hair than I'd had in quite some time. He reached over and ran his hand through my thick mop and closed the curtain. I shut my eyes and didn't even realize he was still in the bathroom with me until he climbed in and laid right on top of me like we did this every night! He put his head into the pit of my arm and just laid there with his arms around my neck as I ran my hands along his smooth, lithe body, like a blind man feeling things so as to read them or see them with his hands. My eye were shut and I just went from his upper thighs, skipping over his ass and going to the small of his back, then up to his ribs and his head. The whole time I was kissing his neck and the top of his head. Then I reached down and took each perfect cheek in both my right and my left and I squeezed so gently, but fierce. He pushed up to my hands and I went to where he wanted me to. We were both ready for anything, and it was apparent when he pushed up to me. When he pushed back down, he stabbed me and I him. God was he hot! I didn't realize how horney I was either. It had been some time where a boy I had already been with had excited me to such levels. I knew if he went down and took me into his mouth, I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. I would have been glad to make it to 3! I held both spheres open and put the tips of both index fingers into him. He was squirming like a fish on a hook and I couldn't take much more of it. I was ready to explode any second. I held him in place and kissed him deeply. I figured I would do a fast cum then hit round two and make that sucka last foreva! I pulled him up by his hips and took him into my mouth. I pushed and pulled at his ass so he'd get this hint to fuck my mouth as I jerked off with one hand and fingered him with the other. God I missed Sandburg! My cum squirted all over his back from between his legs with the force of slingshot from mars! As I twirled and spun my finger around the ring of his culo, he squirted! The first shot tasted like smoked skittles so I knew he was 12, not 13. So sweet! So tangy and sweet at the same time. He collapsed into my arms and met my mouth with a kiss mixing his cum with our saliva! God I missed Sandburg! Man, how is it possible that I am in love with so many people at the same time? It is truly a curse! I know it maybe hard to understand that, but it is! A blessed curse it is! We relaxed in the hot water for an eternity when my hands started their journey once again. He looked up into my eyes and smiled a wicked smile that only a boy his age was capable of! A knowingly wicked wise smile of the sages! As I went back up and down his tight body I realized that this was the ultimate gesture from my pa! This was showing me that all was ok, and much like before! Like I was 14 again and part of the Sandburg boys all over again! This was my reward for being sober and honest for once! I was allowed to really enjoy what was placed before me! An offering from the gods! I just laid there in the steamy water with my eyes shut in my post orgasmic stupor. Just laid there with the heat from the water and the heat from Pepper's body warming my soul and filling me with a satisfaction that I had never felt before! A satisfaction of the farmer who just sold off his yearly harvest! The satisfaction of finally being there! Arrival! The feeling of having "made it" Although I aint made shit with my life, but I made it to where I was and somehow I was still alive! I actually beat all the odds! Everything was against me and I made it through to the other end! How? Only god knows that answer! This boy laid out across my body is a HOLY being! Gods image manifests itself in boys…no iffs - ands - and plenty…I do mean plenty of butts! Pepper dozed off in his peace! A boy not made to feel ashamed of the love that was given to him, that boy is at peace with me in the bath. At peace as I write this.

We both must've dozed off cause Kevin came in and woke us up. Over 2 hours had passed and we hadn't moved. As I dried off, Pepper stood on top of the toilet seat cover and Kevin dried him from head to toe with the boys head resting on Kev's shoulder. How many times has he dried me like that? I thought to myself. It was such a beautiful sight to behold. Every now and then, Kevin turned his face to Peppers curls and took deep sniffing breathing smelling breaths of that smell of a boys hair when he comes out of a bath. That wet boy hair smell that is so unlike anything else. Perfume to us! One of the top afro-desiacs for men like us. Wet boy hair smell…roses to my nostrils…roses to yours as well otherwise you wouldn't be here with me now would you?

The whole time Pepper was being dried, he never opened his eyes or looked up once. He was asleep on his feet. Well almost anyways. Kevin picked up the now dry kid and carried him into their bed. He placed him down still naked and Pepper reached for the top sheet and drew it up over his body, rolled towards the wall, and went into la la land. With a boy like him that only knows love from every direction, he is dreaming of ice cream, carnivals, cotton candy and Christmas morning. He knows no demons like I did as a boy of his age. God what I would have done to grow up just like him! I was one confused little muthafucka, that's for damn sure!

"Kevin, I'm really fuckin tired, you mind if I crash too, or we all just call it a night?" I asked, not sure if Kevin felt like doin a heart to heart soul to soul on the events that took place over the past 18 months since we last spoke at any length or , well , come to think of it, saw each other face to face for that matter. However, truth is, not only was I wiped out from ridin my bike in under the hot midwestern sun beating down on my upper body, but I was plain ol' pooped out from the intense sex that took place a little while before. Not that the sex lasted for any lengthy duration or anything, but the shit was so utterly deep, intensely deep, that I was thoroughly wiped the hell out! Kevin started to undress and I took that as a signal. I wasn't sure if I should be undressing, looking for the guest room, or asking where I should set up camp. I looked to Kevin for an answer and he smiled a wicked smile that I hadn't seen on his face since the first weekend we ever spent together in that very same house. I knew that smile, and to tell you the truth, it sent a familiar shiver down my spine that went from my head to my toes and then back up , resting in my sex zone. I tingled all over and my mind flipped back to that weekend when he first held me in his arms and all I could do was shake! Me! Luis Miguel Fuentes, shake? Me! Boy who slept with more people than a little bit…shaking in the arms of Kevin! Shaking at being held for the first time in my life by someone who actually loved me! Knowing what was coming! Nervous anticipation of what lied ahead. Someone was actually going to make love to me! Make love with me! How different would it be from being just plain old fucked?Being used by another person just for their pleasure? I was in the arms of someone actually bent on my pleasure instead of their own! That look took me there so fast! Rewind!

I got naked and climbed under the covers. I was in the middle. Pepper to my left, and Kevin to my right. I rolled towards Kevin, got right up to his face, placed my nose against his and looked into his eyes a few centimeters away. Our lashes were touching. Kevin started laughing but I held mine in and just smiled. I put his top lip between my teeth and bit lightly. Kevin slipped his tongue between my open lips and we kissed as I rolled on top of him. Kevin put his arms around me and I shook just like I did as I little kid! I couldn't believe it! What the hell was happening? Man, time is a very strange thing, because we had a very long time where we had not made love with each other and it was as if no time had passed whatsoever. We fell into the same routine that we had when we used to make love hundreds of time a month! Kevin took his time screwing me, when he finished, I scooted up and he took me into his mouth and I fucked it like there was no tomorrow, just like I had so many times before. It was as if I was transformed into a 13 year old boy and Kevin a 35 year old man all over again.

I don't remember how the night ended. What I do know is that I woke up before sun up and was in the comforting grip of my Pa's arms with a puppy boy in the comforting grip of mine. Peppers legs were intertwined with mine and one arm was around my neck and one hand between my legs. I kissed his curly hair and drifted back to sleep. Now it was my turn. It was me who finally dreamt of the carnivals! Dreamt of the cotton candy and sugar mountains. The ice cream cones and merry go rounds. It was me! If I died at that moment, it would have been ok. I have lived a full life. A fucked up but full life. A lot of bad, no, terrible times, but a lot of good, no, amazing times like these. Moments of glory! It used to be a lot of pain mixed with stolen moments of pleasure, now that I'm clean, it has become a life of tons of happiness and actual real pleasure with some stolen moments of pain and painful memories. But you know what? That's what they have become now, only memories…just a some painful memories. No more stolen moments of pleasure. They are free now…don't cost a damn cent!