'The truth is out there!'
And now here as well, as this is true and not all that long ago...or maybe too long ago!
No disclaimer, as the ones that hold the power do what they want anyhow. Everybody else does not need one.

Summer then, new leaves, new dogs and all, a promise of life.

I have finally realized that if I let Mihai stay with me, during the day, there is even less chance of him getting into trouble.
Mihai is silently elated.
Can't believe it sometimes and comes to me after breakfast to check if I want him to go… go out and get lost for a while.
Well actually I do want him to go out,… but only to make friends with the boys in the block, who are having another school-holiday and are playing soccer on the street.
In front of my… no, our living room window.
They know he lives here, with me.
Know that he is from the street… somewhere.
I am sure their mothers have had a talk with them.
But as Mihai and I go in and out,… carrying shopping-bags and stuff, they are around.
I take to having my apartment door open a lot during the day, when moving in and out,… to sending Mihai to the market or the little store in the next block.
Want to make sure there are no 'mysteries' to us being here.
To him staying with me.

Seems to work,… as the kids come and look into the kitchen window, which is next to the backdoor of the block.
Say 'hi', when I smile at them.
Finally the boldest one asks for a drink of water,… which I force Mihai to hand out to him,… and of course the other 5 now need one too!
So they ask questions of Mihai and in what seems like minutes, Mihai and soccer ball are out the door and everybody is shouting and running.

I hide behind the curtain, looking out of the big living room window, and spy on the boisterous tribe of boys playing… which includes my boy!
Joy is filling me, as I watch and the sun seems a little brighter somehow.
I feel for a moment that I belong here… that WE belong.
A moment of completeness, in such an incomplete world.

Mihai has introduced the boys to the 'magic' cupboard.
He is willing to share, but is careful not to overdo it.
I am amazed at his insightful way of dividing up the goodies.
He has become very protective of me, our place and the things that are in it… including his Playstation.
Sure he will have someone or the other over,… after asking me.
But it is clear that he is the boss.
None of the boys, smaller or bigger, have any power over him.
He decides what happens… in our place, and when the time is up, everybody out!
I have to smile sometimes, when he looks so determined, as he dispatches the 2 boys from upstairs… he likes them actually… the policeman's sons.
A little younger than him, they are his most frequent playmates and get invited in for those horrid battles on the TV-screen most often.

Small favours are traded between some of the women of the block and myself as well… getting Mihai to run to the store for someone.
Me typing and printing petitions for some official cause or the other.
Even the usually grim looking men, exchange greetings with me.
Can this really work?!

It is my pleasure to buy Mihai decent clothes, to have him look clean and have his hair cut.
Oh, the deep, fulfilling pleasure of doing the simple tasks of caring for my boy.
Milk in the mornings and Vitamin drinks.
Food he likes and food he must eat.
We have pencil marks on the wall to check his height.
A scale in the bathroom to track his weight.
Mihai has a toy-box in the bedroom, and the magic cupboard that fills itself with sweets.
He has a lock-box with money, change I give him, and other treasures.
He has his hooks, by the door, for his coat and stuff… a shelf in the cupboard for his shoes, soccer ball and Super-Soaker.
His clothes are folded in his part of the cupboard in the bedroom.

He lives here!

He is making this strange place my 'home'.

There has never been any thought of him taking anything without asking.
To stealing, or even deceive or trick me into something.

In this country the only people that have not stolen from me were 'street-boys'!

Mihai scolds me, if I spend too much money on him in one of the markets… to the point of walking away,… then getting me to give him the money and of course he comes back with the sneakers for much less than what I would have paid for them 5 minutes before.
I am not allowed to give too much to the beggar boys.
Always give, yes, but not so much… he explains to me… you are one of many that give… they do not need so much.
The rest will go to their fathers' alcoholic needs.
I am beginning to see the patterns… the smallest of the beggars have their 'minders' waiting close by.

But I see also that Mihai leaves sometimes… I do not ask him where he goes.
He is gone most of the day, and is solemn and withdrawn when he returns.
Those nights, he switches off the TV early, takes my hand and drags me away from my desk… and curls himself around me in bed.
As much of his skin as possible touching mine.
His head on my shoulder.
His leg between mine.
It feels like he wants to crawl into me.
And his lovemaking is tainted with a desperateness that makes me want to hold back… until he scolds me and tells me that tonight, now… he needs all of me!
Oh my little teacher,… you have many lessons for me to learn.

So I hold him, afterwards, until he has fallen asleep.
Listen to the dogs barking and fighting outside the window.
Know that there are places in my boy's heart, that are dark and scary.
And still, I will never be able to go there with him.
All I can do is hold him, listen for his breathing, watch over his body and hope that he will find me in his dreams.

Once a month we drive to the big supermarket outside of town.
Where all those big black cars expel tarted-up women with Mafiosi looking men who spend money in ways that tells me that it must be ill-gotten.
Off the backs of the poor and desperate!
The easily duped and deceived.
Dream-merchants of the NEW.

Mihai and I load up wholesale style on basics and more.
Most of this will go to his family, so he is even more observant than usual what I am spending, what I am buying.
Puts things back, when he does not agree, selects 'more' rather than 'better'.
Yes, I have much to learn.
But he watches over me.
And at the end of this exercise, well there is the one thing that brings a shine to my boy's face,… Roasted Chicken!
Next to Strawberries and maybe cigarettes, maybe even before… this is it.
Forget McDonald's, this is heaven in a bag!
He smiles, sticks his nose into the bag,… wants to taste it, but then does not allow himself the pleasure. This is a whole production on how to make something soooo good even better, by having to wait for it!
But once back at our place, and the food-stuff stowed, there is a boy that is dancing around the table, slamming plates down and cutlery… what ever for… glasses,… and NOW!
Clown that he is, his exaggeration of the delights of roasted chicken in one's mouth is actually the real thing for him!
He has given up trying to understand why I do not eat meat.
Passes the chicken leg under my nose smacking his lips… and ferrying it swiftly into his mouth.
It is a pleasure unlike any other to see him at work.
Days like this have cadence all their own.
The good food, the ciggy afterwards, then a hot bath with bubbles, which makes him fall asleep of course… and MTV for a few hours on the couch, singing along with the performers… leaning into me.

We deliver the food-stuff,… I am not allowed to even park close to his house.
But his shy twin sister is drafted and so is Vasile, his younger brother, if he is there.
Money he delivers separately at other times, after he has made sure that big brother and father are not there.
Mother sends thanks and sometimes, small requests.
I am having windows put into the holes of the flat.
Buy propane, for the cooker.
Try to get something happening on the electricity, but it seems there are problems, which even bribes cannot solve!
I am beginning to suspect they are actually squatters.

My business is taking a lot of time to arrange.
So the whole summer is there for Mihai and myself.
Sometimes Vasile arrives home with Mihai, from one of those trips that go to places I can't follow.
Vasile is younger by almost 2 years, a cute little boy that solicits concern from the women in the block, who talk to him, when he is outside playing with the boys.
There is tension between the two, Mihai and Vasile, but Mihai feels a responsibility for Vasile, that makes him share and watch and sometimes jealous.
Vasile gets to stay over sometimes, naturally shares our bed?!
He is polite and funny.
Mihai makes sure he sleeps on the side to the wall,… not his side.
Not beside me.
I am watching this with some apprehension.

Hot summer, with nights too sticky to sleep other than naked and barely covered by a light sheet.
Still Mihai's hand or leg finds me in the night.
Sometimes he holds on to my arm, leaving me with marks that stay with me all day.
But the days are full of joy.
He has found a place in the tribe of boys from the block.
There are fights and bruised egos at times.
Doors that gets slammed and words that are not to be spoken by boys in public.
A day that ends with sullen TV-watching.
Or the announcement that he is not going out today, only to be lured by the calls from the back-stairs anyhow.
All is as it should be.
Going swimming, playing soccer… riding bikes?!
I am watching him ride by… and only after this happens a couple of days, do I remember suddenly, that he does NOT have a bicycle!
Well, he will have to tell me something about this… I corner him.
With head hanging low, he admits that he is paying some boy down the street to 'rent' his bicycle.
Ok,… I am not mad, but think it is a bad deal.
But he is ashamed that he is taking money from his box… which he usually takes to mother!

That afternoon I am buying a used bicycle from the little repair/sales shop all the boys go to, a couple of streets away.
It is a boy's size,… but Mihai is small, not flashy, but full suspension and 15 gears. I have it serviced and accessorized.
A new flashy one, he will not be able to defend.
A little money, for someone that has not once asked for money for himself.
He must have had a birthday… of course.

The bike is parked in the kitchen, Mihai is at his mother's.
I am so excited… it is stupid, it is just an old used bike… I am whistling while cooking.
Am antsy for him to get back.
When the heck is he coming back...?!

Better have a glass of wine, I am trying to be calm and collected.
Until the door opens, Mihai is skidding into the hall, chattering on about something, hug… kiss…
"What's for dinner?"
…and spies the bike!
Still in my arms, he is trying to wiggle free.
I pretend to hold on to him.
He is struggling.
I let him go, and he is by the bike in one skid.
Standing in front of it,… then touching it... then looking at me.
"Your bike?"
I try not to crack up…
"Well, it is a little small for ME...?!"

His smile lights up the room, his jump into my arms, legs around my waist almost topples us both. He has grown some.
Kisses,… now I know why I did this… more kisses!

He slips off and sits on the bike.
On,.. off to look at some part, on again… pushing it around… hey watch out!
" Can I,…"
Well what did I expect. I understand.
So out the door he flies… down the back stairs and down the street.
Gone.
Chasing the wind.
Dinner will be cold.
I best eat now,… who knows when he will be back.
But he is back some minutes later, a bit winded.
Bike gets wheeled into the kitchen.
Parked and he goes to wash his hands…?!
Sits at the table… I dish out the food.
He is all big eyes and smiles.
Well, I'll be.
And tells me, between mouthfuls of food, that nobody ever gave him something this good.
And that he will take good care of it.
And that he will be careful.
He is not eating any longer and now standing in front of me.
And that he does not know why I love him, but that he… he is in my arms now… loves me!
And thank you, thank you!

Yes, thank you gods, for this boy.

The days have a sweet melody to them, there are problems with work, but Mihai and I are having the summer of our love.
Despite dentist appointments for Mihai, to have his teeth taken care off.
Despite rain clouds at times.

Mihai has grown another inch and has put on another 3 pounds.
He has his own key and I leave him alone if I have to, but often he is with me.
The couple of friends are making him welcome, when we visit.
He remains shy and closed, other than with me.
We rarely need more than just us.
Do not rub on each other.
Are happiest to be by ourselves.
Need each other to be close.

It is hot into September, and all seems to be falling into place nicely.
Business is finally getting off the ground and Mihai's teeth are fixed.

I am walking to my bank, and find myself, together with 20 other people, locked out.
The bank has closed… or better, it has gone bankrupt, blown up… finito, kaput.
I am standing in line for the next 5 hours, only to be told that there is not going to be anything I can do!
I am desperate, but not the only one.
Police arrive to keep order.
This was the most 'Western' bank in town.
I never even thought about something like that… and consequently I am now $ 12,000 poorer.

In fact, I am now cleaned out.
My cell phone battery has given up… and I have nobody left that I can call.
My friends have lost more than me.

I remember my Grandmother talking about this kind of thing.

Now what!

The dirty streets , the grimy blocks and the piles of garbage take on a reality, which make me almost shiver, as I walk back to my apartment.

Mihai is out for the day, riding with the other boys from the block to some far-away park.
I had filled his pack with tasty provisions and drinks, happy to see him smile and wave as they passed the window.
This at least would give me some time to think.
To sort out what was to be done.
There were some funds still available overseas.
There was money in the lock-box in the apartment.
But there were also bills, employees, contractors and… Mihai!

There is definitely not enough to be sure that all will work.
The business… an Internet-café/game place has taken a long time and many bribes to get this far… but is still a month away from opening.
I am worried about the revenue from the place anyhow, as there are places opening all over town… and now my business plan has just crashed on the timeline.
But I want to be here.
Don't want to leave,… how can I leave?
How can I leave Mihai?
Dump him back into the street.
Hightail it out of here to a perceived safer ground?
And leave him to die from Aurolac and the whole shit!
I rage.
I howl.
I swear and curse the situation.

I make it to an unsteady peace within myself, telling me that I have not too many places left to run to anyhow, so I might as well… to borrow from Bruce C.: kick at the darkness, until it bleeds daylight.

Was it not true, that I had come to this place to give in to the pain and make my way across the river into the next world.
Had found that there were wonders to behold, and that my addiction to life is not so easily purged.
Had found a boy that had healing hands.
Had regained mine.

So, let's kick it until I have no more to give.

By the time Mihai is back, with stories full of joy, I am in full recovery mode.
He is not sure about me, a more fierce determination than he usually sees from me.
Thinks maybe he has done something… is quiet and careful.
Hides on the couch with his Gameboy.
I finally am done raging in messages to people near and far… have sorted the steps to be done… and find myself looking at my 'mouse' who has fallen asleep on the couch.
He is curled up in his corner,… face relaxed, hair tousled.
Oh, Mihai… I do not know how long I can hold on,… but I will hold you until the end.
So I sneak close to him,… next to him,… he wakes and I have a lap full of sleepy head. Yawning and stretching.
Slipping his arms around my neck.
No words,… but his lips on mine!
Thank you, gods, for this boy, this moment, this chance to love completely.

We will celebrate tonight, Mihai and myself… off to McDonald's for a feast!
With Strawberry milkshake!

The days and weeks that follow are busy and full of stress, problems don't solve themselves very satisfactorily, but I am determined to have this for as long as I can.
So when the day is over and I have gone to bed… leaving Mihai in front of the TV,… sleep comes easy.
And goes away easy, when the small cold body slides across me, around me.
When his eyes sparkle at me and I can feel the hard point of his excitement after the first kiss.
When he sits naked on my back and massages the tenseness from my muscles.
His hands making mystical signs and patterns on my back.
Ending with softly stroking my sides as he is laying stretched out on my back, his head on my neck.
Skin to skin… complete!
So I give him the torture he deserves, until he withers under me and dies 'the-little-death' of supreme pleasure.
We are a world away from all around and even the unending wars of the dogs outside are a murmuring far removed.
I am in him and around him, folding him into myself completely, as he sighs in contentment after the rush of lust.
For these hours, we are all we can be… and nothing less.
Until the morning comes with more light than we can avoid.

Fall has come to chase the heat from the city.
The business is open… but of course not making the money it needs to grow.
Not enough investment money left.
But it brings routines.
I am out more,… and I am beginning to think about school for Mihai.
He is indignant, rejects this stupid notion with his left hand.
Well, it is too late for this year, but next!
I know he has had only a few years of school, but know of a program for 'street-kids'.
Whenever I want to discuss this, he has a lot of other things to do, or stops talking all together.

Well I have to solve a few problems first anyhow.
I had to cut down on the support that I can give to Mihai's family.
Can not fund any further projects for the flat they live in.
Am giving food-stuff.

More importantly, I will have to leave for a few weeks.
Oh how I hate this,… leaving him.
It rips pieces out of my heart.
But I can not take him with me, although we joke about him fitting into my suitcase… he demonstrates it to my amazement.
He knows some boys that have been 'rented' out to be taken to Germany, yes, in a suitcase… to steal for the men that took them there.
Well, I am going further than that and as much as I want him with me… he smiles at me and tells me he will be alright.
Will be waiting for me.

We pack the car together.
We pack his pack together.

We have no words that mean 'good-bye'… so we stare into each others eyes until I push him out the door and he wheels his bike down the corridor… around the corner… he knows I will be by the window… and so he waves, but does not smile as he dashes off.

There is a hole in my heart that will not be filled until I am back.
So I get into the car and drive the endless road west, again.
Just drive.

It seemed to take so long this time.
Too long.
The road stretching out ahead of me, towards the east. I am trying to convince myself that I am driving into the sunrise,… but it is raining in the central part of Europe.
Wet tarmac, grey sky and miles to go before….., well before what?
Still foolish enough to think I would find him again.
Oh, we had arranged something, of course, but it was already days past the date, I still had 1200 miles ahead of me and anyhow… he would have had to have survived the last weeks on the street again.
Loneliness had been my constant companion again. A place left empty in my heart and beside me at night.
Despite my anxiety I was rushing forward, was driving long hours with the windshield wipers slapping time in front of me.
Vienna, Budapest…. the end of the highway and the nondescript hotel by the roadside just before entering the edge of Europe. Potholes, lorries and the twisting roads through the old mountains. ever the same, ever challenging. Finally, nearing exhaustion, the last stretch of highway that would throw me into the turmoil of the large city I had chosen to be my home for a while.
This devastated landscape of broken houses and dreams that broke apart, in the years after the revolution. The hard battleground of life.
Where misery abounds and gentleness costs money and emotions in an ever-repeating cycle.
Alas, the weather had turned and the sun was making me sweat inside my little car, filled with all the goodies I felt were needed to make it through another winter here.

Back at the block,… back at my apartment,… back home...?
Mostly ignored by the people living there, who envied me my ability to leave, to get away from here to someplace they could only dream about.
To some place they saw through the distorting eye of the TV-screen.
Paradise no less, wonderful and holding all the dreams they ever had.
So why did I come back?
I had no way to explain that this place held my dream, had shades of paradise and had given me the chance to contemplate wonder.
Unpacking and storing away the many little things, boxes and suitcases with the help of the policeman's sons Bobby and Vany, small boys who had been infrequent visitors to my flat when Mihai had been here.
They had convinced their mother to let them have an hour of 'play-station' time at my place in exchange, and so were soon engrossed in fearsome fights with each other…. on the TV-screen.
I was shuffling around putting things in the cupboards and closets.
My apartment door open, on purpose, they were called away too soon for them,… Bobby asking when Mihai would be back….smiling.
Vany the quiet one patting my arm in a shy way.
When would he be back…. would he be back!?

Standing alone in my kitchen, suddenly it was quiet, despite dogs barking outside. Kids yelling, playing harder, knowing they would be called into the house soon, as it was getting dark now.
Alone,… nervous,.. excited!
In my mind I am waiting for Mihai's knock on the kitchen window.
But I knew he would not,… maybe he had been here yesterday, or the day before?
My mouth is getting dry again,… I want to run to the car and drive into the centre of town and find him, ferry him to my house and clasp him into my arms!
If I can find him.
If he is around,… if he wants to!?

Why am I questioning everything again?
I know he would be here if he knew I was back.
It is me that is unpredictable!
Is it all my need?
Or my guilt?

I find unimportant things to do, as I am afraid.
Afraid of the need to have him close… and the fear of not finding him. Or worse, finding out he is hurt or,…!
Now I can not keep myself calm any longer.
Grab my keys and out the door, lock up and into my car… driving into the center… to the square, the places I know, that street-boys go.
I run the track I know well,... many nights of walking, looking, observing… getting a feel for the landscape of the little night-people.
Getting to know a few faces,... handing out small change, watching a game in the corner of an old shopping arcade by the light of ornate old iron lamps… a group of 10-12 year old boys. Craps, throwing dice… throwing money.
I have seen it played a dozen ways around the world.
A lot of money changes hands very fast… and the smallest one walks up boldly, asking for change… in English, and tells me for only 2 dollars he will go home with me and I can do 'everything'!
The terrible thing is, I know it is the truth.
Tonight is no different,… I recognize some boys … but I do not ask them where Mihai is,… as he has forbidden me to do that.
As they beg some change off me, we walk a short distance… one follows around a corner into the darkness of a side street and smiles up expectantly.
The traces of Aurolac around his lips, dilated pupils and a scrawny hand tugging at my arm.
I shake my head… he smiles again…'mitze' ?
I nod,… this is Mihai's 'street' name.
He shakes his head… he has not seen him for days!
I hand him some more change, and walk back to my car.
Back at my place I barely manage to get out of my clothes before I fall asleep on the bed.

It is late into the morning… a bad night.
Too tired, too restless, too many dogs barking… why did I come back at all.
Am I not cheating Mihai and myself in the process.
And still, I had dreamt of him again.
Being close. Wrapped around me. I can almost smell him,... struggle to reality… and find myself alone.
I stumble around my place. Making coffee, making calls, making arrangements. All I want, is have him here.
There are short moments of anger , when I yell at him for not being where he had always been before… thankfully the shower drowns out my shouts.
He makes me desperate and reduces me to tears.
That is wrong,… isn't it!? I should have learned, should be composed, should not let myself go like this,… should not… love anyone that much!
Especially a boy.
Especially a street-boy.
Especially a street-boy, who has a home.

I find myself driving past the places I know he could be, to and from lunch with friends.
Past the places, to and from shopping… a vast detour.
Past the places, just because I needed to go to the bank-machine… which is in another part of town.
Past,… past,… I don't want it to be the past… come home Mihai!
Come to me… find me, Mihai.
I am here… don't you know … I am here!
I am looking for you, Mihai.
Where are you, boy-that-I-love?
Find me,… please!
The day passes, I have nowhere to go anymore.
Have been all the places I know.
Have even asked again.
Have walked over the same ground again and again.
Have driven around the fountains so many times, the beggar boys are in a right state... yelling to each other as I make another pass.

Have walked into the prison cell of my own desperation again.
That night the dogs were having a war… the night is surprisingly warm,… and I am praying to my gods, that he is all right.
Just let him be all right.
Even if I never see him again!

It took 2 more days for him to find me.
All answers are easy when it is over… but!
It took 2 more days for him to find me.
And I,… was still looking!
That is what is important.
I had been to the well of loneliness and hate, had my fill of desperation and tears.
But had kept on looking. With clouded eyes and heavy heart,… but still.
Another time around the fountains. Another time around where the boys climb into the canals at night. Another time where they hide in the bushes, sniffing poison. Another time to all the places that were part of our landscape.
It took 2 more days for him to find me… my car idling at the traffic-light.
The stereo turned up loud… he was a blur in my peripheral vision.
Was a vision!
Was wearing clothes I had never seen on him.
Was small and thin.
Was dirty and out of breath.
Was smiling at me, sliding into the car, quietly looking at me from eyes with dark circles under them.
Was holding my hand to his heart as I reached over to him.
Was here.
Nothing else mattered.
Into the house, …… into my arms.
He is back!

He is lying beside me, sleeping peacefully.
I can not find my way to dreamland.
Watch him as he moves a little closer to the edge of the bed… curls into himself.
Somewhere else, somewhere far away it seems.
But as I feel the sadness slip into my heart… he turns, pushes his head into the pit of my arm above him, grips a handful of flesh on my neck and holds on.
Asleep, I pull him close to me and with a long exhale, he stretches alongside of me and his leg finds its natural resting place between mine.
So there is no place left for sadness in my heart now tonight… it is full.
Full of love for my boy.
How easy it is to fall asleep.

Business is getting worse, but pays for rent and food.
And I cannot find a way to get me past the need to be with him.
So we fall into the routines again that make the days flow along like some lazy river.
I just about forgive myself for my monstrous deed of leaving him again.
It becomes another one of those things that are locked away in the darkness of the basement of my soul.
Mihai has put on weight again, looks almost healthy with his summer-tan and another inch in height.
I keep stuffing him with more food… he has discovered the delights of frozen Pizza!
I make him eat salad… of which he picks out the cucumber and tomatoes and leaves those leaves.
I have stocked up on Vitamin pills.
He needs new clothes… and is proudly showing off that he has outgrown his running-shoes!
And proceeds to take all his old clothes to his mothers.

And brings Vasile back with him.
That night, Vasile is sent to sleep on the couch, Mihai tells me that things are not so good at home.
Big brother is back!
And asking questions about the food, the money,… who is out there that is the 'money-bags' and obviously scheming to get some of it for himself.
Mihai is scared of him, and I get the feeling that the rest of his family is as well.
So,… how about keeping Vasile with us?
Winter is coming and Vasile's life on the street will become much tougher if he can't go home.
Snow and cold… having to make choices that are less than healthy.
I know that Mihai is not all happy about it, and to be honest, neither am I.
He feels responsible for Vasile, but knows that it will not just be him-and-me any longer.
In the end he is almost crying!

We will make arrangements.
How can I send this, even younger boy, out into the street, with winter coming?
It is not so long and Christmas will be here.
Gods, this sounds like a Dickens story.
But is the truth.

In the end we settle into this new arrangement with less difficulty than I had feared.
Yes, there is fighting over which TV program to watch, whose turn it is to take out the garbage and Vasile needs to be corrected some times by me.
But there is no jealousy and in some ways Mihai is clearly letting me take some of the responsibility off his slim shoulders.
It is time for winter coats and boots.
The first frost and even a snow flurry.
Mihai is going into hibernation mode.
If I would let him, he would move from the bed to the couch,… dragging the duvet-cover with him.
Vasile is out with the boys from the block.
The first snowfall demands snowball fights.
And even Mihai can't resist.

So that night, it is cold boys that need hot baths and hot milk to defrost.
They discover the pleasure of warm rice-pudding…with whipped-cream!
And get skin-cream all over their naked bodies and Vitamin pills down their throats.
I will get them through this winter without the usual cold…which in this country gets cured with 'Antibiotics'!
Well almost… beside the worry about the ever-dwindling revenues from the shop, I now have the worry of having 2 sick boys.
Just before Christmas.
So they are relegated to my bed, why are they smiling?,… sweet-talk me into dragging the TV there, and supplied with gentle cold medicine.
Certainly no 'Antibiotics' for a cold!
They are miserable small mice under my duvet, hot sometimes and cold the other.
I am sleeping on the couch for days.
But when I get woken up by Mihai sliding under the covers next to me in the living room, I know that it is almost over.
He wants to be close, wants loving… how can I refuse?!
Christmas comes with a lot of snow and small groups of boys coming to the door, singing carols for gifts of food or small money.
Every boy knows the songs to sing.
Vasile is out with the boys from the block, making money.
Mihai sings for me sitting in bed with me.

Yes, they handed off their cold to me, thank you boys!
He smiles at me and makes me drink hot milk!
Scolds me when I keep getting up to go to the shop or to buy food and such.
Will not leave me at night.
And sleeps soundly through even my worst coughing fits.

Mihai and Vasile are going home to mother with bags of presents and food.
They are quite sure that big-brother and father will be totally drunk somewhere else.
So it is safe.
So while they are out I set out their gifts.
Why does it always get me choked up?
Since I have vetoed a Christmas-Tree, we have lights strung around the kitchen, the hall, the bedroom… the bathroom! And of course in the living room.
I stop them from decorating my desk by threatening physical punishment!
At which they snicker.
But then, as I am waiting for them to return, and all those little lights are positively twinkling, I admit to myself that whatever comes, this was worth it.
Cold, excited boys snow in through the door.
Drop their coats and boots and after pit-stop in the bathroom are all over the gifts that are in front of the TV.
I wish I could give them something more lasting than toys, though.
But toys are good too.
I make them sing me a song first,… but they are not shy about it and I get kisses on top of it.

I get to play with Vasile with his new race-car set, and Mihai has disappeared into the bedroom with his CD-player.
The clothes that are presents only get looked at cursory, until Vasile realizes that they are…'original'!
This is a big thing in this 'knock-off' country.
Yes, these are the real thing. Brand name and NEW.
Both boys snicker at the flannel pj's … but spend the entire next day in them!
I push away all worry and fear and the little light inside of myself is shining a warm light as I sit with my glass of red wine and listen to them chatter.

We are off to the airport to pick up a friend of mine that has come to visit for a couple of weeks.
Always an exciting trip.
We may get stopped by the police… they like the airport run for making a little extra money!

Mihai is animated and happy after we find him.
Vasile quiet and cute.
He had visited before and so was no stranger to Mihai.
We are having a good holiday visit with Andy.
We go to shows and restaurants.
Play Monopoly.
In local language… I can't help but shake my head at the situation.
Mihai is much too intense… Vasile makes deals with Andy.
They are making deals in many ways and are getting along very well.
Somehow it seems natural that Vasile ends up in the living room with Andy, watching TV, while Mihai and myself are in bed already.
Vasile never makes it back into our bed.
It seems to fit.
If I did not know Vasile as a very independent boy, who has been taking care of himself for some years, I would feel uneasy.
But I would doubt anybody could get Vasile to do something he does not agree with. He has a much harder shell than Mihai.
So in the end it is clear that Andy will come back in a few months.
To stay… for a while.
Vasile will wait at my place, and then move in with Andy.

I am finally admitting to myself that keeping the shop open any longer will take more than it will give.
The damages are getting out of hand.
I have had to hire a guard.
I can no longer afford to replace things that get stolen or damaged.
What took more than a year to build, is destroyed in a little more than 4 months!
And with it my income stream.
I am lucky to find that my friends have use for some of the equipment and are willing to pay fair-market value for it.

It somehow got to be Spring.
Andy has come back and has found an apartment.
Vasile has moved in with him.
Mihai is obviously quite relieved… celebrates our 'freedom' by making love with me on the living room floor, laughing and moaning.
We are being reckless… we crawl into each other again.

Change is necessary.
My funds are seeping away.
We are moving to a new apartment.
Right in the middle of town.
Three stories closer to heaven.
Cheaper, and I can give back the car.
Mihai has his bike and I the Subway.

With a huge roof-top patio between the living room and the kitchen.
High ceilings and only one neighbour on the same floor.
I never do see them… begin to think they do not actually exist.
We are moving to our own private place again.
There are visitors, but nobody is allowed to stay.
Just us.
I am jealous of every hour someone takes me away from here, from Mihai.
It is a kind of desperation, that crawls around inside of myself.
Try for all kinds of work.
But in reality there is little chance of anything.
Only want to go out if Mihai is out as well.
I am holding on, with both hands.
Hold on to Mihai at night with all my body.
But wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, worrying about the next day.

Mihai is not immune to all this,… but I want him to stay away from the money problems.
Want him to eat and grow and continue to be become more beautiful every month.
He is going to be 16 this fall, and the top of his head is now under my chin.
He is 4 feet and 11 proud inches tall!

Another hot summer.
I drive the car back to the West.
But this time I do not have to worry about Mihai.
He is staying with Andy and Vasile, while I am gone.
I am spending 26 hours in a bus to get back to him.

He is waiting at the bus-stop when I get off… sparkling smile, a hug and a welcome kiss on my cheek.
I like this.
Carries half my bags and once inside our flat, crunches me in a hug that lets me know that he has been missing me, as much as I him!
Not many presents for him this time… by now I am living on borrowed money with him.
The rent is paid up until the end of the year… borrowed money.
There is money for the utilities in the bank… borrowed.
There is money for food and such… mine, but not enough.
I have gone begging and I will have to do some more… if things do not change.
Mihai does the shopping at the market, two blocks away.
He is following the list too well… so I buy the Strawberries, he likes so much.
I get scolded for it first and kissed after.
He is refusing to take any change for himself.

I have to fight with him about taking money to his family… but I want to get his Birth-Certificate from mother.
And that will not happen without 'good-will'.
This is the first step to get his Identity Card, which he can apply for at age 16.
Which is the first step to a Passport!
But mother has all kinds of stories.
Money has to be paid to whomever for bribes.
It is the source of much tension and frustration between Mihai and myself.
I do not get it,… he seems so reluctant to push for this.
I harbour the silent dream of getting a Passport for him… of getting him out of here… of taking him with me!
Somewhere in my mind I know this is a VERY long shot… but I Have to try!
Finally I have to stop handing out money with no results.
Mihai is very angry at his mother and does not want to go there any longer.
So with the help of a friend that translates, I finally understand what the problem is!
Mihai is very ashamed about this, but I press on to get to the truth… which is that his Birth-Certificate was used for the boy that was sold to someone, whenever this was!
By this time Mihai is yelling at me… I have trespassed on ground that is not mine to walk on.
He is crying, angry and agitated.
Is ashamed for this all and will not listen to me telling him that it is not his fault.
Yells at me that he will get my money back and belts out the door!
I am too stunned to grab him in time.

See him running down the street and around the corner.
Gone.

I worry.
I wait.
I am desperate when he is not home for dinner.
But my search does not turn up anything.

Am sitting for hours on the little wall, looking out to the street below and the corner, hoping for him to round it and walk up to the house.
The night is warm,… I sit and smoke the umpteenth cigarette.
Until suddenly the door to the flat opens and Mihai walks in… through the living room and bedroom into the bathroom.
I follow him in… but he is already in the shower.
I watch him… as he is soaping himself behind the clear shower-curtain.
Sit on the washing-machine to wait for him to finish.
He does not really look at me as he steps out, all shiny and wet.
But takes the towel I hand to him.
Dries himself, drinks a glass of pop in the kitchen and switches on the TV.
We have not said one word.
He avoids my eyes, does not answer my questions… and finally snorts, switches off the TV and goes to bed.
I am still stunned.

But, in the end I just go to bed myself.
Am laying beside him, as he is hiding himself under the covers… and realize that I better get to work.
He does not want to be turned around, does not want my arms around him… hisses at me and gets up to get something from his pants.
Puts a few large bills on the bed, and hides under the covers again.

I pick up the money.
I know what this means of course.
I know where he got this… and how.
Am shivering… choked up… and can not stop the tears that are forming in my eyes.
Mihai is pretending to be asleep.
Except, when I move closer to him, I can hear him sniffling ever so softly.
I reach over and touch his cheek…. Right, it is wet!
I sit up and pull him up with me… he wants to push me away… but NO, I am clear now.
You came back, Mihai.
You came back to me,… so here I am.
And I will not let you push me away, not with your arms or with what you do.
He is not even struggling after the first minute.
Lets me fold him into my arms.
Lets me sit him on my lap.
Lets me stroke his back and kiss his hair.

But does not let me look into his eyes.
Mihai, we have gone too far, to turn away from each other.
This is not going to take me away from you… don't let it take you away from me!
Tell me you are ok.
We both know all about this.
I know the old movie theater you can go to, Mihai.
I have known for some time.
I know about the men that go there.
At a different time I may have been one myself, Mihai.

In a different time and place I have been like all of those men.
But now, here, it is you and me.
I love you, Mihai.

I love you, Mihai… is all he can understand because I am using his language.
But his face comes up.
He looks into my eyes, hard, looking for lies.

Kisses my neck and I his face.
Whispers that he does too.
And holds on to me as I slide down and keep him on me in my arms until his breathing slows and he is asleep.

The weeks of summer are long.
Languid and full of dreamy hours on the patio.

It is as if I am paralyzed by fear of it all ending for Mihai and myself.
And therefore it is.
Like a slowly winding road to somewhere new.
As if we had made a secret pact of not letting on that we both know this is not going to last forever.
I have begged from everyone I can.
Mihai is silently aware, but says nothing.
Just sometimes I find him standing behind me, after another blind lead for work evaporates… pretending to have come back from the bathroom, looking at me.
Leaning into me and slipping his arm around my neck.

Tells me funny stories, that I only understand some of, at night in my arms.
Tells me that he can remember living in a house when he was small. But that father had gambled all away drinking with the local gypsies.
I know that I am too serious and sad.

I am back to the moody self that arrived here some years ago.
Mihai is back to the boy that slides into my bed at night, making me feel like all the world is soft and gentle and the stars are smiling on us.
With the light of the city illuminating our naked bodies, we are finding solace in our embraces.
I need him more, and he stays near… what does he need?

I try to buy him things that he will be able to take home… but he wants nothing.

I try to find a way to have him live with someone else, friends… he is not even interested one bit to discuss it.

He is not talking about… when ever.
Is getting up every morning, says 'Thank You' after every meal, like he has done without fail all this time.
Rides his bike a bit, but only if I push him.
Watches TV and plays Grand-Theft Auto on his Playstation.
Sits beside me, playing solitaire on the computer, while I am on the phone.
Is his quiet, warm and smiley self.
I know that sometimes I am a bastard about some things that really do not matter.
Too demanding of him.
I know that deep inside of myself I want him to be angry, to rage and curse me.
To be so pissed off with me, that he will just leave… just slam the door and be gone.

I know that it is all because I do not know how to say 'good-bye' to him!

I don't want to say good-bye.
Want to have him with me, be with him, here beside me, me beside him!

I do not know how to make it go away, this feeling of sinking into sand, slowly.
Of not finding any solid ground beneath my feet.
No matter where I look, I see things ending again.

I end as I begin.
Loathing myself for surviving.
Wanting someone to hurt me, because I do not know how to make the pain go away in any other way.

And then he stands in the doorway, balanced on one leg, shorts and an open shirt,… leaning against the doorframe for a moment, holding his glass of milk…
Watching me.
Until I notice him.
And in my eyes he is a vision of beauty and poise.
But more than that, a real boy, that will be placing his healing hands on me tonight and make me forget the world.

I wish I would have sleepless nights again, but I am peaceful with him curled against me now.

I guess this is my graduation, my little teacher.
But I have not learned enough.
Have not done my studies once again.
I need more instruction, my little teacher.
I need more help.

He smiles at me and lights a cigarette in his mouth for me.

The real world demands answers.
The real world demands actions.
Needs decisions and arrangements.

Andy has come back from the west after the summer, by car.
He is going to stay for… well lets see what gives.
He is looking for an apartment to live in.
But no, there will not be a place for Mihai on a permanent basis.
Vasile will be there, permanently.
Mihai is not interested anyhow.

Andy promises to have him over on weekends… what else can I ask for in the end?!
Mihai will not agree to anything.

But we are having another couple of good weeks, with Andy staying nearby in a rented flat with Vasile. Going out to parks with the boys, eating at McDonalds with them… the only place Mihai will go with us to eat other than Pizza Hut.
Both around the corner from our flat.

Just like the bus-station.

And I will leave at the end of the week.
There is a job in Germany that I can have, if I can get there soon.
And I know I must go.
I have no more money.
We are even using Mihai's 'work' money, which he has kept with him… and I am deeply ashamed.
But that does not change anything either.
Mihai knows that I have to go… and he is perhaps a little closer… but maybe it is me crowding near him?!

I am sorting and packing.
Mihai is smoking on the couch.
I make arrangements for Andy to take-over all the furniture and such.
I can only take two suitcases on the bus!
Gods I have done this how many times in my life… too many.
And no, it never gets any easier.
Certainly not this one.
I want to leave everything here… as if I am trying to find reasons to come back.
Well, even if I come back,… it will be , for a week,… or maybe two.
Every weekend?
I have debts up to my neck.
And where will he stay in the meantime?

Mihai is leaving today.
He is going to ride away on that crumby black bike I bought him, that is so dear to him… and not come back.
He is packing his bag.
A small bag, Andy had delivered a box of toys and goodies to mother some days before, as Mihai said he did not want them any longer.
He has given Vasile his Playstation and the disks.
Well, where he is going there will be no electricity!

There will be nothing really that will be his.
Yes, some clothes, but I don' t see that last… his CD-player.
He will have to sell that.
His watch… well he will get up somewhere when it is light and go to sleep somewhere when it is dark.

I regret not having given in to the tattoo he had asked for a year ago.
At least that would be something he would not loose to someone else.
But it is too late for all of that now.
He has certainly tattooed himself onto my heart.

I can not watch him pack without crying… and in the end we are sitting on the floor clutching at each other and feeling desperate.
Crying and not wanting to let go.
It is so quiet around us… and each is speaking words that the other can not understand… or maybe we can!
So in the end we are joined in silence. As all those times before. Arms around each other, his face on my neck, his leg between mine.
Clothes rumpled, on the bed… asleep.
Cried out.
Over…
And…
Out… the door he goes with his pack on his back, bicycle at hand.
I am on the patio watching him get on the bike, ride slowly to the corner, stop… turn, and smile up to where he knew I would be, waving wildly and… gone!

Silence in my head, emptiness in my heart, as I stand with my luggage in the little dirty street with many others, waiting to get on some bus going far away.
It is 4 am and cold and I worry about where he is.
But I have no more tears in me.

Soon there is nothing other than the noise of the tires of the bus rolling for 26 hours away from … my love, my life.

I am working in Germany.
Send money to Andy for Mihai.
Speak to him on the phone sometimes… but words are not our language.
So it only marks the distance between us and after a few minutes he gets off the line.
I know how he feels.

But the boys are going to school.
I am paying for Mihai's tuition.

Then Andy and Vasile are no longer together.
Not sure what has happened?
Vasile has left for… well home, but then it turns out that both he and Mihai are now in a Children's home, run by an Evangelical Group from the US.

Vasile stays but Mihai , who of course can not stand the 'group' shit, takes off.
He contacts Andy, works out a deal so that he can still go to school but stay at home.
Manages to stay out of the more horrible alternative: state home.
Mother is active in this transaction… and presents the bill in form of a request for me to buy the flat they are living in!
I arrange for 6 month rent.

I am a mess inside of myself.

But this is so necessary to make money for all the debt… and to send some of it to Mihai, via Andy.
I sometimes get a picture.
That makes the pain worse.

Then it is summer again.
I do not hear anything about Mihai any longer.
Andy tells me he has not seen him.
That Mihai has not been around to see him.

I know in my heart what is happening.

Andy finds unlikely companionship in rough trade from the train station.
I do not blame him,… but am scared for him.
He is too detached from the block… and they do not like gypsy street-boys.

August… and I get notified through official channels that Andy has been arrested!
Is charged with attempted murder of a boy!
It becomes clear in the next 24 hours, that it is a trumped up charge.
Having spoken to Andy 3 days prior and sending him money to fly back, as I had a very bad feeling from the things he was talking about…. Now it is too late.

They get not only Andy, but also all his computer stuff and also … Vasile and Mihai… amongst some other boys.
Vasile and Mihai are being mentioned in the papers… I never was able to speak with them.

I suddenly have hunters sniffing on my tail!

I have lost every chance now, to ever do anything again.
There is only survival left.

And that is always on the bad side of good.

Mihai

A small brown frame containing a picture of Mihai as he is sleeping under a colourful duvet.
His dark hair framing his face. Relaxed. Summer-tan brown skin. His left arm and leg curled towards the middle of the bed, as he is lying on his right side.
It travels with me in the bag I sling over my shoulder when I am leaving one place for another.


Mihai, I miss your smile.
Miss your laughter.
Miss your soft skin and your voice.
Your smell and the feel of your hair in my fingers.

I miss your angry words and your tears.
Miss the weakness, the fluttering of my heart, seeing you.

Mihai I miss you!

It does not change a thing, to miss you.
I am here and you are… I do not know where.
I can not go where you are, and you can not come to me.

I used to think that I did it all wrong.
That is not so.
I did one thing right and that was: LOVING YOU!

Everything else, yes,… maybe.

In that old city, Bucharest, Capital of Broken Dreams, I found the dream that I had been dreaming for many years, become reality.
You found me and I was there to be found.

I wanted to say that you taught me to live for the moment.
But that is not true.
We live for our dreams.
We live for the hope they give us.

What you taught me, Mihai, is much more than that.
You taught me that it is possible to love and be loved, even in this dangerous time.
That it is indeed love that makes it possible to live another day. And another. And another.

Thank you for my life, Mihai.
I am sure you would grab my head and tell me in Romanian, which I do not understand, officially, that I talk too much.
Put your lips to mine and shut me up.

Thank you for my life, Mihai.

Because I am still alive… and kicking!

TAK

It is time to tell you all, that I owe this opportunity to speak of Mihai, to the insistent mails of someone that found parts of this on a website, that Andy had made for me, that last year.
Thank you, Wolf, you are special.
Stay that way, please take good care of yourself and maybe we can howl together some time.

Thank you all, and I hope you will be safe and well.

Thomas-Alexander Kind
Copyright 2004-TAK