It was love at first sight, it was… well - you know… the pretty mushroom cloud… all I really ever wanted to do was see red anyways! The way my red blood would shoot into the syringe and bloom allot like the flower that produced the shit I was watching mix with my blood. Magical iced- tea lookin like loveable hateful liquid, red shooting in and maintaining a completely separate identity, then a deep purple color soon to bring me where I needed to be! Kinda like some shit in a deranged mad scientists lab in some Boris Karloff type flick I'd be peeping at midnight in black and white! …Come to think of it, even if the movie was in color, I'd have seen it in b/w back then cause we didn't own no damn color t.v. anyways! Fuck it!!!! I don't really give a fuck anyways… all I can tell you, is my magic potion… it works! I don't gotta deal with this bitch no more. Nahhh! No more niggas feelin, pawin, suckin, lickin on me like some god damned Mexican whore, just so her and her fucked up, ass out junkie of a boyfriend can get theirs? Hells no! Not no more! This shits been building up in me for months, and in a way, I'm kinda glad that the "H" got me strung tha fuck out! For real! Cause now, anything to dead this way I'm feelin. This deep down emptiness! This pain I cant describe!?! Well… I'm all for it! Y'all know me pretty well by now, and bein the typa kid I am and always was, how long before I'd break the fuck outta Dodge City? The way I see it, if some mans gonna be pawin all over me, fuggittt, I'm gonna keep all the scratch! No doubt! I mean, let's be for real, the bitch got a pussy! Aint no sense in my 9 year old ass to be supportin botha their habits, plus mines?! Hell No! I mighta been born at night, but son, not last night!

The way I see it, the shit was all part of some master plan… all part of some fucked up plot. Maybe even a deal with the Devil. Who knows? Only her! All I know is that the bitch knew exactly what she was doing that day she told me to put out my arm and turn my head away! Bitch knew! Just as I knew as soon as that shit hit my blood, it was on! A life time love affair in the making! Now, I aint even sure if I'm strung out on the dope or the needle, cause like I said, sometimes I just wanna see red! And like I said before, if some Chester's gonna be suckin on my dick or lickin my ass, you best believe every stinkin red cents going in my filthy pockets now!

Shit! The day I left, my ma almost lost her damn mind! Bitch acted like she got cut off from welfare or some shit. Way I see it is fuggit, it aint my problem! Bitch gotta hump for hers now, just like before. Just that plain and simple. The puta got lazy! Laying in her bed all day highed tha fuck up while I'm out all day and half the night turning tricks… bitch pimped me good bro! SHITS DEAD!

I knew I had options! I could easily lay up at Carlitos or Mikes house all day, every day! I don't need her nothin! If anything, she needs me! Dig? And that there shits damn pitiful! Two grown ass adult addicts relying on a little boy to maintain their addiction! Way I saw the big picture, either man would gladly keep me straight just for the full time company! Word! See most of the Chester type fellas is some real lonely type guys! Dig? They'd gladly keep me full, high, and lookin like a million dollars just to share their bed on some full time basis type shit and I didn't even have to fuck! That's my WORD! Yeah… I aint gonna lie to y'all, I like it when they cuddle with me! Nooo Fuck that! I love it! Who wouldn't?!? All the hugs, the kisses… not to mention the fact that they cant keep their hands and mouths offa my body… Hug me, kiss me, lick me head to toe! That bitch aint done shit but slap me up, beat me down, turn me out and fuck me up! She aint even hug me since they killed my daddy and damn! That shit was almost two years ago!

I figured going to Mikes would be the best move. I already had a key, plus my own box of Trix in the cabinet…"silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" and Mike was definitely a trick! I met him at Playland about 4 months ago! Would you believe that this man gave me $50.00 the first day I met him, just to jerk me off, and I couldn't even cum yet! I aint even gonna front, I kinda dig Mike. After our first week of daily business, he gave me the bottom drawer of his dresser just for me to keep my special things in. You know. A safe spot to keep any presents and valuables so as I wouldn't have to worry my ma would sell or steal them! For example, he gave me a big ass GiJoe doll, and the shit was the bomb! The best! Only thing is I didn't know how to play with it or anything else for that matter! The 3rd day I went to his house he had a brand new pair of Nikes' there for me! Plus some Phat jeans and shirt and a new Yankee hat. I aint even gonna front, the shit I was wearin was tired! Mad tired. Shit was filthy. I had them damn socks on for so long, them shits were literally stuck to my feet! Word! I had to peel em off like peeling the skin off a Sunkist orange! Mike knew I was strung the fuck out, shit was no secret, but what could he have done anyways. You know the deal, he really didn't want to see me shooting dope, who would? I was just a little boy. Then again, he didn't want me to stop neither cause with the habit, I needed him to the fullest extent of the word! Plus, it was impossible to hide the face if I was staying under his roof, dig?… if you seen me bare from head to toe, you were bound to see tracks… if you were with me 24/7 you were bound to see me nod… it was quite simple though… we had an agreement or better yet… an arrangement… he loved me… or at least he loved my body, and I loved his money and attention, dig?

Mike owned his own store so he had plenty of time to give me the attention I needed and thought wanted. At first it was lovely! You know, the museums, the shows, the cultural type shit, the problem was, at 9 years old, my English was still kinda shaky, and school was out of the question. I'd only been in NYC for about 3 years, and in my hood, everyone spoke Spanish. You know the neighborhood! The typical Spanish hood from the movies, like Popi or Carlitos way. A million kids running everywhere. A crew of hoods on every corner selling anything you ever wanted or needed. I mean they all specialized in coke or weed, but they all had the weed, speed or anything you need type mentality! An open pump [fire hydrant] became "Tar Beach" get the picture? To be honest, I actually learned more English watching Sesame Street then the 2 years I spent at P.S.5. "Juan Pablo Duarte" Shit, the name of the school alone tells the whole story! "Juan Pablo" was Dominican Republics version of that guy with the wooden teeth from US history… you know who I mean! The guy on the dollar bill! Jimmy Washington… wait… no Jimmies the kid in my building on the 5th floor… oh yeah… George Washington…thats it… my bad! Regardless of the fact, Mike dropped his world for me. He kept me from being sick, and fed me more love than I knew was possible! Yet something was missing from me. I felt empty inside. I filled it up the only way I knew how. No sooner then he'd leave for his store, I'd hop the #1 or the A train up at 181st street and ride on downtown to 42nd to cruise the deuce! Playland once again. It wasn't like I needed the money. I wasn't lookin for no love… I guess maybe I was just bored… not to mention that I was setting myself up for the fall. There was no question about it. I knew that if he found out I was turning tricks, he would hit the wall, shit would hit the fan, and I'd have no choice but to hit the streets! I'm real real real good at fucking a good thing up though! I always was and I always will be… and old pro! Walking the tight rope! Putting just one extra bag in the cooker… just to see what would happen…dig? I called it, playing Chinese roulette, being most of the dope I was putting in me back then was China White. Matter of fact, I still play the game to this day, the only difference is, the rules stayed the same, but the outcome just don't matter no more! Shit, half of me is actually trying to hit that damn bullet in the chamber…thinkin to myself…I always o/d., why can't I just die???

To make a short story long, Mike came home early one day with a cart full of presents for me. A whole heap of surprises for little old me…what he never expected was that it was him who was the one who was truly surprised! Picture him barely able to fit through the door with an armful of wrapped up presents, expecting to find me sitting in front of the t.v. nodding out to the Price is Right but I was nowhere in sight… "C'mon Down Mike, you're the next contestant on Luis' fucked up life!" Well…c'mon down he did! He knew exactly where to find me…once a whore always a whore! I was in Playland on 46th street. I was playing a game with my 7th trick. I had already been with 6 other men in the past 4 hours. He yanked me out by my arm screaming all sorts of shit and not one of them a lie! He was as good at makin me feel like shit as I was being a piece of shit! An old pro I was! Not even 10 years old and I was laying the pavement for my future…paving the way! Setting the mold. Pushing away love. Fighting it off like a guy whose been through 6 marriages, or better yet, giving it an uppercut like Muhammad Ali. The only relationship I aint ever push away was my relationship with death. With Dope! The only pleasure I aint never deny myself was the pleasure of seeing red! Shit! My dick would be hard as I tied a belt around my arm… might even cum myself as I squeezed in my magical serum!

Mike left me standing on the sidewalk on 50th street and Broadway with my mouth dropped open in a "what tha fuck just happened to me" mode! Like I said before, I set myself up for the fall. To be absolutely honest, half of me didn't really care cause all it did was re-enforce the fact to myself and to the rest of the world [so I thought] that "nobody loves me!" and "nobody cares!" I also enabled me to repeat the lines over and over again... "Nobody ever loved me! Everyone hates me! Use me and abuse me... make me a Mugsy type stick up kid just for the thrill of it... make me walk the tightrope!" Shit... I been a real live stick up kid... sticking needles up into my veins always and forever! I mean I wasn't robbing nobody but myself and my own chance of any normal typa existence. You know the old scenario; every last stinkin penny went into my arm! For real! As far as eating goes, I'm ok with a buttered roll and a 50 cent juice, dig? $7.00 a day for a bed in some Times Square dump if I really felt like splurging! Either that or spend the night wrapped around some outtatowner who was paying me for sex, love, or whateva tha fuck you wanna call it! I'd literally spend $1.00 to eat and $100.00 to stay comfortably numb...go figure!!! All I really wanted to do was see red anyways...

When the reality of Mike dropping me like a hot potato gave me a back handed smack across the face, there I was once again standing in front of some assorted video arcade on Broadway with no home, no plan and one hell of a fucked up habit for a 10 year old! Let's be real here, shit would've been a huge habit for a 20 year old...No regular monkey on this here back... Some real straight up King Kong type shit! Bust this - if I break it down to y'all to see what I'm sayin - it took me at least $60.00 a day to stay normal! Times that by seven as in the days of the week, and I'm talking about just under $500.00 a week! Times that by 4 as in the weeks in a month and we're up to $2000 monthly. Times that by 12 as in the months of the year and we're talkin $24,000. Now take into mind that most people in my neighborhood made between $10,000 and $14,000 a year and I'm talking about a husband, a wife and 4 kids! Reality check! Not the position anybody would want to be in! Still, a nigga like me was not trying to be dope sick! Hells no! I wasn't even trying to hear no dumb shit like that! I had three choices and three choices only... #1 - I could have swallowed my pride, kiss ass, and make up with Mike, which meant accepting responsibility for my fucked up actions... #2 - I could've stayed around the Deuce turning mega tricks until I eventually o/d.' d, got arrested, or jumped off some roof somewhere, or #3, move to Carlitos apartment, and that's depending on the chance that no other lil mutha fucka didn't beat me to the jackpot! I maybe a fool and a jackass, but I aint never been no dummy! So what did I do? Duhhhh! I hopped on an "A" train on 8th avenue and rode up to 168th street heading directly to Carlos'. He owned a beautiful Brownstone on 162nd street between Amsterdam avenue and Edgecomb! Just as I turned Amsterdam and started heading down Carlitos block I spotted Chino, this kid who lived on 167th and Audubon. Chino worked Playland every now and then and was also strung out... only thing, he was 12! I could tell from his walk that he just left Carlos'. It was all to obvious! He had one hand in his front pocket palming his cash. His just made cash! He was boppin down the block with a ready to cop look on his face, and a sneaky just scored with a trick look in his eyes!

"Aye Yo Chino!" I yelled from across the street. Waitin for him to notice me. Me and him go back cause he lives on the block where my father set up his operation and my uncles continued to sell their drugs. Plus, well, just to be on the up and up, we kinda messed around a few times up on his roof. Nothin heavy, just some spankin tha monkey type shit and maybe some head here and there... "Luis! Whasss uppp lil nigga? Damn where u been hiding? I aint seen u for..." I cut his response off early cause my world was closin in on me! "You seen Carlito?" I asked already knowing the answer. Chino took one long look at my face and spotted my runny nose, teary dripping eyes and desperate look, and he knew how I was feeling! "Yo kid, you best hurry up cause Carlos is gettin ready to split. I just left there, and if u wanna catch him, which I can see u do, best be splittin... You didn't have to tell me twice. Before he could finish his sentence, I was halfway down the block. I left my buddy standing there with his mouth dropped like he was in shock or somethin! I don't know why he gave a fuck anyway, he already got paid! Shit! I climbed the steps to Carlitos building. Every muscle ached like I was 60 years old. I could barely lift my feet for each step, nonetheless... I reached a shaky finger out and pressed for all it was worth... He had an old fashioned doorbell that rang as long as you held the button. The old type with a bell and hammer, kinda like a old wind-up alarm clock, only shit was somehow electric. I held my finger on the button till I heard him commin down them old stairs from his bedroom,"Commin, I'm Commin, whoooo iss ittt?" he yelled through the old thick ass door that weighed 3x more than I did! I could hear his stomps coming closer to the front door. "It's me Carlos, it's Lui, hurrrry uppp and open thaa dammmn door!" My voice quivered with dopesickness as I attempted to yell this through his old thick wooden oak door. When he opened up and saw me standing there, his face lit up and an ear to ear smile spread across his face. I knew I was in like Flynt! "Carlito, I really aint feelin too well Papi... lemme hold a quick 20 spot and I'll be back with the quickness!" Without even thinking he reached out and handed me two 20's that were already folded up and pressed them into my hand. It was as if he seen me through the window heading his way, cause the 20's were folded like I fixed them to hand off to the local dope dealers. I folded them and placed them in my palm so when I went down the block and saw the man I needed to see, all I had to do was shake his hand in the typical ghetto fashion and hand him the bills as we small talked, then he'd hand me the bags on the handshake that left me to continue down the block on my way to relieve my dopesickness... La cura!! They say "A veces la cura es peor que enfermedad" meaning "sometimes the cure is worse than the sickness" That just seemed to always fit my life as a Junkie... I kissed Carlitos cheek as I ran down his stairs with a new found energy knowing I wouldn't be sick much longer, and ran back to Amsterdam and up to 166th street where I saw Kev and copped me 4 bags of "Mambo Kings" Shit was some of the best and strongest dope to ever hit Washington Heights. Ray was the lookout at Mamboland. He lived on my block and has known me since I came from Dominican Republic. He's a basehead actin like or better yet, playin the part of a dope fiend. For real. He's a sniffer and his habit never got to be larger than 2 or 3 bags a day. He was an ugly muthafucka who probably didn't have any mirrors in his apartment cause he thought he was gods gift to women. A real Casanova type with his pockmarked face and beady eyes. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, truth be it told, he aint had no pussy since pussy had him, dig? Well not unless he paid for it anyways. He used to pay my ma for her rancid ass, so just imagine...gods gift to woman??? The ugly lookin rat bastard blew me like 20 times up on the roofs or assorted basements of our street for $30/ $40 a pop... so way I seen things, the guy was one desperate muthafucka... enough of them...back to me...

I ran all the way back to Carlitos house as fast as my dope sick legs would move me. I could barely make it up the steps. I thanked god under my breath as I reached the front door, cause Carlos left it unlocked!... thoughtful bugger that he is. I pushed the hundred pound door open, scurried in and ran straight into the bathroom. My fairygod mother... or better yet, the Dope Fairy left me a spoon, a piece of cotton, a shotglass full of bottled water, a belt and a bandaid laid out out on the bathroom counter. I felt like a doctor getting ready to do an operation on a patient, only thing was... patient was none other than me! I pulled a new B&D syringe out of my pocket, popped the caps off of both ends, shoved the point into the shotglass and drew up 30 units of water. Placing the syringe on the counter, I poured the contents of 2 of the bags into the spoon, pulled off a miniscule piece of cotton, balled it up and dropped in right onto the pile of poison, squirted the water into the spoon, stirred around my magic potion and drew the liquid back into the B&D using the little cotton ball as a little filter. I wrapped the belt around my upper arm and yanked it tight till my babyish veins popped and bulged. I slid the needle striking blood instantly like a stone cold junkie. Like an old pro 3 times my age. As the red shot into the syringe and bloomed, I didn't wait or take my time like usual. Being I was sick, I pushed the plunger to the bottom as fast as possible! As long as the blood shot into the syringe, I knew I was on! I'd hit my target. I didn't have to wait for it to bloom if I didn't want to. That was a personal pleasure. Searching and seeking what ever beauty I could extract from this miserable catastrophe I called my life and you'd call a sin! I called pleasure, and you could see it as plain as day that it was obviously pain... allot of pain at that!... Just the way I slid the needle into my own flesh just like a deranged psychopath! Just like a stone cold dopefiend! Just like the guys I used to watch on my roof landing! Just like the guys I used to watch in my mothers livingroom! Just like my Ma!! Just like me! Just as easy and as fast as I hit my target, that's as easy and as fast as it was all so good! All so smooth! All so damnnn comfortably numb! Embryonic journey that I was immediately on! Just as if I was floating in amniotic fluid, dreading the day I'd slide out from between her legs and into the sewers of NYC a born dope fiend!... My eyes stopped tearing and dried up! My nose stopped running and dried up! The pains in my muscles and in my stomach...gone! Just like that and just that fast and simple!...All warm and cozy... kinda like sitting in front of a big fireplace in the dead cold of winter only better times 100!!! 100 times better! My warm fuzzy cocoon... drooling... dreaming... I'm sure you get the picture.

Just as I slipped into a deep and wonderful nod, Carlos knocked on the bathroom door to check on me. He didn't want some little runaway fugitive of the fostercare system to overdose in has bathroom! Basically he was makin sure I was ok...which I was... very, very ok... I cleaned out my works, splashed some cold water on my face and lit up a Newport. Imagine the sight of me!?! There I was barely 10 years old, yet I was 10 goin on 25 or 50 for that matter! I slid into the kitchen where Carlito was fixing himself a sandwich as well as one for me. Damn - boy- oh - boy - damn I was hungry. My stomach felt like it was touching my back! Just lookin at those delicious sandwiches of meat, cheese...etc had me droolin like a damn dog! My basic survival diet of a buttered roll and some sugar water just wasn't cuttin the mustard... dig? You know you aint been eatin right when a damn fuckin sandwich starts lookin like some damn Thanksgiving day spread!

"I must say that you sure look a hell of allot better little man!" Carlito said as he smiled a toothy smile directly at me. He came to where I was sitting down and patted me a few times on my scruffy hair. He brought his nose to the top of my head and sniffed as he ran his fingers through my filthy, matted mop. Before he spoke he kissed me lightly on the cheek.

"Not for nothing shorty, but you lookin and smelling like a shower sure wouldn't kill you! What you think bout that? Is it cool?" He said this just being truthful. He wasn't trying to be mean or nuthin, he was just doin his motherly thing, that's all! Carlos was a clean freak who kept his house spotless and forever been trying to teach me bout hygiene and shit! What tha fuck a lil ghettolicious kid like me know about brushing, flossing, washin behind my ears, or pulling back the skin down below to get myself nice and clean all over? Especially now that I'd start hitting puberty before long! To be filthy and a smegma king in my line of work could be detrimental! 98% of my custies would be running away from me and the other 2% would pay extra for some "head cheese" but those were the same stinkin perverts who'd pay extra for dirty underwear, and the dirtier the more they was worth. Them deranged soulless fucks would scoop sewer snakes outta a dirty toilet bowl and probably make themselves a stiff dicked stew outta the damn turds! To be honest with y'all, my devoted dedicated fans, at that point, I aint showered probably for like 2 or 3 weeks any damn ways! Mike didn't care. He figured he was givin me tongue baths every night and morning anyways so why bother!?!

"Finish eating and I'm going to run the water in the shower for you kiddo. Matter of fact, I'm gonna go dig you out a bunch a clean stuff to wear cause their aint no way in the world I'm gonna get you squeaky clean and then you gonna put back on them dirty stinkin sweaty crusty funky fucked up clothes! As soon as you done, just come up. But don't eat too fast! You take your time, and chew for once. You aint gotta worry Luis, aint nobody gonna steal your food around here. " He smiled as he almost skipped his way upstairs. His words were warm and comforting to me. To tell you how I felt , I felt like he was coming to me from the heart. Like he really cared. I didn't know if he was like that with every boy that crossed his doorway, but what I did know was that he knew just how to make a kid like me feel real safe and at home! See, with him, I could just tell that he cared... maybe even loved me! Like sex wasn't the number one issue or topic! I was! How I felt was! If I was happy was! Dig? With Mike, it was like I could never tell nothin! It was like, to him, he'd have one hand all over my ass and the other all grabbin and squeezing my dick... it was more important to him than hugs and kisses and all that. He only asked if I was ok, meaning if I was dope sick or not, or on my way to being sick so I wouldn't be no problems to him and stuff I guess...word... I aint makin the shit up! See, with Carlos, if I felt like sleeping on the couch it wasn't a problem... in his bed...A-OK... in bed, he'd stroke my back, my neck, my head and my face...and he would cover my face with millions of tiny kisses and call me his special little boy or somethin like that... but with Mike??? Hells no! He always made me feel like he was trying to get his monies worth. Forget about the scene he'd pull if I didn't want sleep in his room. Oh my god! He'd pull some Michael Jackson psycho flip out guilt type shit with crying and the whole 9 yards! Word! "You hate me!" he'd say... totally reversing roles and sayin the typa shit I'd always say...dig?? That whole "nobody loves me" type shit!... Speaking of money, I was still in the red with Carlito for the cash he slid me for my "cura" [cure] you know..."Mambo King!" I saw my red, then, I was in the red...then... time to make good on my part of the bargain and...get "head!"

Carlos was in the shower when I reached the bathroom, so I peeled off and climbed in. I figured that I might as well kill two birds with one stone. I let him wash me head to toe like I was a 4 year old. Difference being his washing was aimed more for a 40 year old. He soaped me up... soaped me down... turned me around... lather, rinse, repeat. Carlito dropped to his knees to worship at my altar. I was comfortably numb from the Mambo dancing to the beat of my heart. The beat of my soul. I closed my eyes, kicked back and enjoyed. I grabbed him by the head, placing each hand on the left and right sides of his face using his ears as handles. I dreamed, and drifted, and was copulating with this 42nd street whore... fucking his mouth like I was John Holmes... not bad for a lil 10 year old guy, right? My mini love muscle womb sweeper was clicking away and throbbing... a dry run... dry cum... never the less, a full fledged damn near grown up orgasm... my first... My knees got weak. My eyes rolled back. My legs got all wobbly like, but I didn't fall...junkies wobble but they don't fall down! Actual, the grip that I had on Carlos' skull was the only thing that enabled me to continue standing. Chills ran down my spine! A new feeling! I was overwhelmed with pleasure. Orgasmic stupor. No sooner than I slid out of his mouth, he stood up. With a hand on each shoulder, he turned me around. Carlito took the bar of soap and lathered up my upper thighs, and between my cheeks. I was prepared for a $40 fuck, but he wasn't planning on going up in me. What he did was slip between my legs and pretended. As he stroked in and out of my tight warm thighs, he palmed, felt and fingered where he dreamed he was. I already knew he'd been tapping Chinos' ass for a few years cause my buddy told me as much. I knew that I had no choice but to try and keep my friend away from Carlos' house and also had to keep Carlos' well drained, cause very easily could Chino fuck up a good thing for me. I mean, damn, it was enough trouble for me to keep myself from fuckin up, so now I had double the work! Word! If I planned on living there, I had to really be on point! King Kong was calling all of the shots in my life. I had to keep the scratch coming in order to keep the smack flowing. There wasn't much about it, just to do it!

After we dried off, Carlito led me to his bedroom by my hand. I was surprised he didn't carry me over the threshold like some damn newlyweds! On his bed, there was an assortment of pants, shirts, boxers, and socks spread out for me to pick and choose. The sneakers I got from Mike were still pretty much brand new, so I was ok in the footwear department. All of the clothes were basically my size, or rather, not my size, which was how I liked to wear my clothes...baggy. They all belonged to my friend Danillo who lived on 134th street. He used to stay with Carlos until one day when Carlito came home from Brooklyn and his t.v., stereo and VCR were all gone...along with my Puerto Rican crone... My new "top shelf" wardrobe was "perfectamundo!" I was freshly dipped... "fresh dressed like a million bucks" as Slick Rick sang it!

Carlito had to jet down to 10th street and avenue B. He said he had some business to tend to. It was none of my business so I didn't ask shit and didn't wanna know! He handed me $100 bill all fresh and crispy. His orders were simple! He handed me his video club membership card and told me to get 2 movies. One for myself and one for us for when he returned. Get some Mickey D's or Burger Queen for when I got hungry again, and spend the rest on my Cura. My dope. My medication. My poison. Call it whatever you want. I was callin it Mambo Kings. I mean, why bother shopping for another brand, if that shit hit the spot the way I expected and wanted it to!?! He gave me a ready made copy of his house key and kissed me long and deep. Damn, the love vibes he sent my way, had me ready to strip off all of my new clothes and hit the sack all honeymoon like! Carlos was out... See, he was so dope! So utterly perfect! He made sure I had enough cash so I didn't have to go out no time for nothing at least till the next early afternoon! I was so content and relaxed, it was the first night in as long as I could remember, where I slept through the night. I slept like the rock of Gibraltar! Damn! It was the first time in years where I didn't have to literally sleep with one eye opened! Didn't have to worry bout someone climbing in bed while I was sleeping and dickin me down, or trying to or whatever other nonsense I had to deal with since Daddy died. Didn't have to worry bout no one stealing my money, my clothes, my kicks... nothing!!! Absolutely nothing!!!

After two weeks in my virtual Fantasy Island, I woke up one morning sick as a dog. I thought I was hallucinating cause Mr. Rourke was in bed with Tattoo... I mean Carlos was in bed with Chino. I felt my stomach drop! Betrayal in the first degree... Criminal offense! Was all his love fake? I thought to myself. Was it all a lie? I took some small revenge that wouldn't really jeopardize my stay. I crawled along the floor in Carlitos room to his pants which were laying alongside the bed in front of the night table.

I dug through the pockets like a thief in the night. A cat burglar... better yet, a chicken burglar. A small pang of guilt hit me. I felt like a greedy little thief. Well, I guess that's cause I was being just that! A greedy little thief! I was a mini pirate searching for my buried treasure. X marks the spot! Before my brain realized what was happening, my dick rose to the occasion. My little hand wrapped itself around a huge wad of bills. I already knew, knowing Carlos, they were 20's, 50's and 100's. He always kept his 10's, 5's and 1's in his shirt pocket to give out to the street urchins and to buy small shit with. I peeled off a small handful, leavin most in place. Like that, he wouldn't even notice. He rarely counted what he kept in his pocket, and every kid I ever know who slept at Carlitos stole cash every once in a while. As long as us vagabonds didn't get greedy, it was all gravy...all good in otherwords! I crept back out of the room slithering like the snake I was being... on my belly... and proceeded to slide out of the front door. I walked calmly to the park that ran along Edgecomb avenue so as to not draw attention. I felt like running, but it would of looked suspicious, a kid leavin his house and running down the block to the park! I wanted to count my take. I had $520, so I did what came most naturally. I headed straight to Mambo Kings. I copped 4 bundles [40 bags] and still had $150. They always gave me a break if I copped allot of bags. I slipped back into Carlitos un-noticed, shot 2 bags in my usual bathroom/ shooting gallery, peeled off my clothes, and climbed back under the blankets I left spread out on the couch.

When I finally woke back up in the early afternoon, Carlos was gone, but Chino was still sleeping in the master bedroom. I called his name, "Chino!" but he didn't budge. I did it again a little louder, but still no response. What the hey, right? I slid in bed next to him, pulled the covers over my upper body, and wrapped a leg around his. He was all warm and cozy, so I snuggled up next to him. I was starving for some affection. It was one of those days when I woke up lonely and depressed and being they spent the night together I felt abandoned and unwanted. Chino was butt naked. As I drifted into dreamland, he wrapped his arms and legs around me and hugged me into him. He rolled me on top of him, and I fell asleep with my head resting on his chest. I slept with a smile on my face and warm peace in my heart, oh yeah... and a hand on my ass. I woke a few hours later. I could tell Chino had toured my guts, cause... well... I just knew... I turned to face him, and I kissed him on the cheek. He was play sleeping, cause he grabbed me like an octopus and caught me off guard. He slid home! I was pulling and squirming and movin but I was trapped in his grip! He was bigger than me by like a foot or so. The more I squirmed and moved, the more bliss he received. By me trying to get away, all it did was have an opposite effect on the bastard. I wasn't mad, but I wasn't exactly feelin like him neither! He pulled out in less then 5 minutes. He bent over and kissed me on my lips. He took his finger and wiped away a few teardrops from my eyes. I hurt deep down inside... always. As his fingers passed my nose, I could smell myself all over him... what a life! He kissed me again only this time he used his tongue, then he nibbled on my earlobe. Chino reached down and took me in his hand. He rubbed and massaged my womb sweeper into fullness, then took me in his mouth. I laid back and enjoyed what he had to offer me, yet I still felt too hollow inside. Empty. A vacant lot! Silent tears of agony flowed freely. Tears for every bit of pain that was ever felt by any boy across the universe. Even though my body was being pleased. Getting pleasure. My soul ached...boy did it ache! I don't think I could explain it even if I tried my hardest. It's like, every day - every breathing second of my life, my soul cries out a tortured scream. The pain is 100x worse then every mothers pain during the moments before delivery - without her shot of Demerol. No pain killers whatsoever - a little body that's still attached to her, slides out from a doorway 1/3 the size of their head... that gut wrenching, searing pain is what my soul feels every damn second of my existence... growing worse with each breath. I guess that's why I always prescribed my own pain medication... Heroin... The only relief I've ever felt from existence, comes from sliding a needle into my vein... a needle so sharp that it slides in easier than a hot knife through butter...sometimes... sometimes it's so dull that it rips and tears and I just can't seem to hit or see red no matter how hard and no matter how many times I jab, stab and puncture my poor pincushion body... begging god... "please lord... just let me hit... just let me get some relief from this misery this one last time, and I promise you... I promise... I will never, ever do this again... just lemme see red!" I plead to myself outloud! Then it happens... I see red... I squeeze off... a pinch of pain... a burst of pleasure... my only relief ever... No sooner than the heroin hits my brain, I declare the contract I made with god to receive this relief... null and void... VETO!

It never mattered to me if the dope was from China, Pakistan, Africa, Columbia, Turkey, India, Iran...I run... I run for MORE! It's never ever ever enough... and it always takes more to get me where I need to be... I love you more today than yesterday... And I'll love you even more tomorrow! As long as the shit is cut properly and bagged up righteously... as long as I can still hit a vein... as long as I can still see red... it's all good... It's all so good it's bad! Evil! A slow death... I'm like those stupid kiddy toys that you box with... the dumb blow up clown that no matter how hard or how much you hit the damn thing... it always pops up for more... more abuse... that's me... call me the blow up clown...call me a fool... I really don't care... as long as you call me before noon so I can make the cold cash I need to put out this fire in my soul... The way I see it, once I get to see red, not much really matters after that... shit, you can bite me, kick me, punch me, throw me down a few flights of stairs...I aint goin nowhere... I'm here for the long run...I'm the president of the breed that dies the slow death... I'm the last of the junkies!