When things got out of control and my habit was coming down on me Id just jump the #1 train to the Port and turn some quick tricks before heading to the spot then back “home.” Nothing disturbed Kevin more than my habit. It is what eventually dissolved everything we had until I was forced to just make the choice. Someone who actually loves me and makes me feel secure all of the time or something that I loved and made me feel secure for as long as I drilled it into my veins. As long as I had an endless wad of money to keep up with the growing monster. The habit that grew from a $2 shot a day to $400 a day. I made my choice a long time ago, and for that summer, I was ready to make the choice. I mean, I knew I didn’t want to be strung out, but I also knew that it was as much as my ritual as brushing teeth or a morning piss. I let Kevin put me into the detox but not without promises. Promises I knew he would never break to me unless I somehow snuck out a window, a rafter, or some back door delivery entrance never fulfilling my end of the deal. I mean. Every night I fantasized about bags with names like SALSA, FUJI POWER, DO OR DIE…I pictured myself begging a nurse to let me out for 5 minutes just to get a fresh donut on 125th street from Krispy Cream, and sneaking over to “GATO” on 143rd and Lenox and doing just “one more shot!” But I stayed. I rode it out and I stayed. 21 days of madness. 21 days that seemed like a 90 day stretch at Spoffard.

Like the miracle he promised me, I emerged clean! I was detoxed and given a script for dolophine which he would gradually wean me off of as well. I was scared. So scared. Part of me was scared that he wouldn’t be there to sign me out and Id end up back in some foster type home upon release. Cast back to the streets. Back to the deuce. Once there I knew it would be a matter of days, hours or even minutes before Id be back where I started. Where Id sleep with anyone for the price of a bag or two. Cast back to my habit. Cast back to hell. But this wasn’t the case. When they yelled, "FUENTES" in the morning of my release and told me to "roll up" [meaning to gather my things] There he was at the desk talking to the head nurse. My papi. Waiting for me with open arms.

"How’s my boy?" He asked.

Tears were streaming down my once filthy cheeks. Tears of being freed from bondage. Tears that he actually came. Actually cared. Tears that he was as real as real could be and I really had someone who loved me in my corner.

"I’m hungry as fuck!" Was all I said as we hugged each other so tight. Just so much love between two people. No one ever hugged me in my life the way Kevin did. Ever! none of the 42nd street "johns" with promises of a loving home and endless security, just as long as I kept it as good as it was in the hotel. As long as I took all they had to offer in all the places that I could take it...be took...taken...tookd until they got bored of my body and moved in the next trade. What was between me and Kevin, it wasn’t based on sex. I mean, sure, sex makes love that much greater, exciting and fun and un expected. Every climax a new masterpiece. Every article of clothing, discarded and thrown to the floor was like unveiling a piece of art for the first time. Seen by no one before except the artist. With us, it went way beyond that. It was true friendship. It was father, son, uncle, nephew, husband, wife. It was what it was and it is what it is.

"Whadda ya wanna eat kiddo?"

"Papi, I want everything! I want bacalao, platano maduro, arroz morro...I want a big plate. A Plate so big I cant even lift tha fucker! And! And! I wanna just drop my face into and eat it like a dog!!"

We both laughed hard and loud.

"Did I mention to you how proud I am? How proud of you I am Looie?" He said looking directly at me. I didn’t say a word. I had a lump in my throat. I was holding back tears. I looked deep into his eyes for the sincerity and kissed him full on the lips. Our teeth clanked and our tongues intertwined! I didn’t care if we still didn’t exit the lobby of the hospital. The way I felt, the more people that saw us the better. I didn’t care if it disgusted them. Thrilled them. Made them dial 911! I wanted the whole world to know how I felt. I wanted to leap onto the first car hood we came across and scream to the world. I wanted to yell out loud!

"Someone loves me! And look, he is right here!"

There were people going in and out of the main door where we stood kissing and locked just steps away. Some stared. Some clucked their teeth. All that did was add fuel to the fire. There we were with our lips locked and our arms wrapped around each other, so what did I do? What else? I dropped on arm from around his neck and brought it in between us and right to where I could feel his hard through his jeans. Then I took one of his arms from around me and dropped it to my back and pressed right to my ass. I was always a little showman.

"Fuck the food! Take me home! Now!" I almost yelled to him. If I didn’t just put on the show and security wasn’t on the way, I would have dragged him into the lobby bathroom, dropped my pants and straddled the toilet pushing back as far as I could, pushing him deep into me. God! My mind was tripping!

"Lets breeze! Hurry! Before I have to change my shorts!"

“Guess what?” Kevin said.

“I got a surprise for you, but you’re gonna have to wait!”

“Tell me! Tell! Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” I begged.

“No baby, you’ll just have to be patient and wait. Don’t worry, you will be a very happy camper!”

“Please tell me!” I tried again.” But he didn’t even answer me, he just smiled and shook his head no!

We jumped into his rented jeep Laredo and rode cross to the Westside, then up to 118th street. By the time we were halfway there, somewhere around Adam Clayton Powell Blvd, I was already hard again and drippy just waiting for our lovemaking “honeymoon” style. I could only imagine what my surprise would be. I reached over and started rubbing the front of his pants and went to unzip the fly. He gave me a sideways glance, taking his eyes off the crowded street for a moment. I knew the look. I started licking and sucking until he pushed my head away.

“But…”

“But nothing, you want to get us killed? Arrested maybe? An accident? If you keep that up I’m bound to ram the car in front of us and turn our dream into a nightmare. Just wait Looie, we are almost there!”

He was right, within minutes we were heading down 118th and parking in front of the love nest. I jumped from the SUV almost before he put it in park and bolted into the building, taking the stairs 2 at a time. I slipped my key out my pocket and slid it into the lock. Kevin probably wasn’t even in the building yet! I shed my clothing piece by piece leaving a trail from the living room to the bedroom. By the time he reached me I was halfway there! We made wicked wild love. I could break it down piece by piece, step by step or inch by inch to you, but why bother. You know the deal, and you’ve read it all before somewhere. Sometime. You’ve read about our escapades and you closed your eyes and pulled and tugged at yourself until you finally unloaded deep into me. The boy of your dreams. Then you opened your eyes, found yourself alone, sighed, and downed another gin and tonic. Leaving your dreams behind on some washrag, bedspread, sheet, towel, paper towel, anywhere, everywhere, but in me!

I fell asleep in Kevin’s arms with him still inside me. I slept solid for the first time in such a long time. I only woke when I felt him thrusting in and out again sometime before dawn. So I did what came naturally. I flipped around still connected to him and put one foot on each of his shoulders and pushed in to meet his thrusts, pulled away as he pulled back…

After we were both a sticky sweaty mess, he took my by the hand and walked me to the shower where he just held me and kissed me deep under the stream of hot steamy water. We washed each other and I jumped on his back for a piggy back ride to the room. Both of us still wet.

“If we don’t dry off and get dressed, we may never leave this place, and you may never find out what your big surprise is!”

“Papi, what’s the surprise? I asked, trying my luck again.”

I pouted. Moaned. Griped. Sighed. Complained how unfair this all is! “A big secret! NO FAIR!”

Soon enough we were dressed and getting into the Laredo. As the sun was rising we were crossing the 59th street bridge, heading down Queens Blvd and on our way to the L.I.E. (495).

“Where we goin? I asked.

Kevin just smiled and told me to put on my seatbelt, put the seat back, and take a nap, as we had a long ride ahead of us. I did as he said and lit up a cigarette. I inhaled deeply. Flicked my ashes out the window. Daydreamed. The window was down, blowing in the smell of summer air.

I drifted in and out of sleep during the ride. When I finally woke and propped the seat back up, we were on Montauk Highway, way out on the eastern end of Long Island. I looked at Kevin with my famous “baffled” look. He knew it well. One eye closed. Eyebrow raised. Mouth twisted to the side. He just looked at me and laughed.

“Baffled huh? Flabbergasted even?”

He knew I loved those two words. We laughed together. I had ants in my pants. A nervous feeling in my stomach. A feeling I only dulled with a good strong shot. I lit one of my cigarettes and looked at him with my famous smirk. My eyes where taking in the sights and my nose the scents. Large beach houses. Country setting. Flowers. Salt water. Simple things I would never even had paid any mind to a few weeks ago. Things you don’t notice when you are doing time in a bag of dope. A cell of addiction.

We got off the highway and made a left turn. We stayed on that road for a bit until we slowed down and made a right turn down a dirt road. A dirt driveway. To the end of the rough bumpy path we were soon facing a cute little house. A small old house. White with green shutters that had little crescents of moons cut out into them.

“Who lives here? One of your friends? Where are we?”

He never answered me. He smiled in silent anticipation of my reactions to what was to be. We parked and jumped out the Laredo. I followed Kevin in through the unlocked door of his “friends” house. My mouth dropped!

“SURPRISE!” yelled Donovan and Robbie. My two best Sandburg friends. There were balloons of every color hung all over. Streamers. And a big “Welcome Home Looie, We Love You” that apparently Robbie and Donovan made themselves. I hit my knees crying. So this was my surprise. I wasn’t bawling like but crying. Just crying. My knees gave out from shock or surprise or what have you. Kevin took me by both hands and stood me up and all 3 of them hugged me with enough love to fill most third world countries.

“Why?…God…Kevin…What tha fuck? I don’t…I aint…You shouldn’t have…” I tried to say things but the words were racing through my brain faster than I could spit them out.

“I love you Looie. You are my boy. You are my heart kiddo, and you deserve this and so much more.”

This was my reward. My surprise. My present. The next 8 weeks in the East Hampton. As far away from the deuce as you could get. Yet so close. A depraved simple ride from decadence to serenity and peace. Me, my papi, and two of my most loved friends ever. Friends that I never saw in my life not being stoned on dope, weed, alcohol, pills. The gift of their beauty danced before my eyes like the way a moth dances around a flame. Flickering in a make believe way.

Donovan and me had gotten so close the summer before out in Sandburg. Spent our times away chatting on the phone, exchanging mail and emails. Just staying in touch and up to date as much as I could with so much crap goin in my life. I tried my hardest though. Out in Sandburg he had become my boyfriend and he was Robbie’s boyfriend and we were all Kevin’s boyfriends. The ones that he held close to his heart.

I had to sit down. My legs were wobbly. I copped a seat on the couch, put my face into my hands and cried my heart out. I was loved. I was really loved. I was safe. Secure. And I wasn’t strung out! Dope gives you a false feeling of warmth and security. Of love or not. Sex becomes as ritualistic as a shot. Nothing matters as much as the next bag. I was free. The scene was overwhelming.

Donovan came and sat down next to me. He put one arm around my shoulder and held me. I looked him in the face and he took one finger from his other hand and wiped the tears that were still running. I smiled at him. He was more beautiful than I remembered him. He had grew a little and no more baby fat. He was lean and sported a six pack obviously doing sit ups during the past year. He still had his full lips and his curly hair. His perfectly colored skin. And as affectionate as ever. He put his face close to mine. Licked the last of my tears off my cheeks and we touched lips slowly, softly and passionately. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my lap. We deep soul kissed until we were both squirming around. I opened one eye and peeped Kevin and Robbie on the Lay-z-boy reclined and staring at us as they jerked each other off. Me and Donovan were ripping each others clothes off. I couldn’t wait another second. We pivoted into a 69 and were both going at it like dogs who hadn’t eaten in weeks. I started licking his nuts and going higher and higher [he was on top] until I got to his hole. So perfect. His ass was to die for. He had the perfect black boys kid of ass. So round and so perfectly flawless. I spread his cheeks and licked until I had half my tongue swirling around inside of him. I was dipping my fingertips in a the same time. Getting him wet, slippery, ready and open. By now, Kevin had my legs in the air and was slobbering my butt as Robbie stood watching us and jerking himself off. Once Kevin slipped in the head, the rest was history. There we were. Donovan sucking me, my sucking Donovan’s ass, Kevin fucking me as he sucked off Robbie. Where was that damn camera when we needed it. It was a definite Kodak moment. You’d think it would end soon right? No way! Me and Donovan where still where we left off. I cummed my first cum on my belly as I felt Kevin’s dick twitch inside me as Robbie shot in his mouth. Then Donovan lapped up my milk like the puppy he was. Kevin slid out and him and Robbie went to shower. Even though I just came, it didn’t matter, my dick stayed on bone and I wanted to get up in Donovan. We switched positions and he put each of his feet on my shoulders as I entered him and began fucking tha damn daylights outta him! At the same time I was jerking him off, and just like me and Kevin. When he felt my dick expanding and jumping and throbbing in his butt, he cummed all into my palm and as soon as I brought it to my tongue, I let loose and filled him with all I had!…

We spent the next 8 weeks much like this. We had many beach camp outs. Many excursions. But my time there in East Hampton was probably the best time of my life. The summer didn’t last too long. I wish it would have lasted forever, but it didn’t. Kevin had to go back to work. The kids back to school, and me….me? I had nowhere really to go but back to the deuce. I figured Id join a methadone clinic of things got bad. But I didn’t. I never was good with good byes. I am a teary kind of dude who cant handle my emotions too well. This time there were tears from everyone. Not a dry eye. I promised Kevin , myself, and my friends I would never shoot dope again. And I meant it. I meant it with all my heart. The only thing was, no sooner than I hit my neighborhood, I was back where I left off. I Said to myself, “Just this one last taste!” Well that taste lasted another 8 years or so. It lasted until I hit rock bottom. Until I chased away everyone who ever loved me. I chased away all my friends. The only two people I stayed true to was the devil and the cooker. But that was then and this is now. And now, looking back and reflecting on it. There’s not enough apologies in the world to go around, but first I had to apologize to myself. I couldn’t get clean for good until I accepted responsibility for my actions and stopped blaming the world for why I was the way I was. I didn’t get cheated out of any childhood. I stole it from myself. For I am a dreamer within a dream…

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