The sun beating down from a cloudless sky, makes the tarmac seem liquid in front of my half closed eyes.
Panting like the mangy dog beside me, I doze in the afternoon heat.
My back against the hangar doors, sitting on the ground, a cushion from the Van for my seat.
Past the wavering runway out to the grass and the line of trees in the distance… heat… pushing against the grass, the tarmac, the hangar and my chest!
It is the 3rd day of 30+ degrees.
All sensible life has retreated indoors… or at least to the far side of the old airport building… under the only tree large enough to offer shade.

Breathing is not easy… I struggle to draw enough hot air into my lungs to fill my demanding lungs.
I should not be sitting in the sun.
But I need to!
Should be on the blanket by the orange VW camper van under the tree, our traveling home.
In the speckled shade, next to my friend Trev, or in the camper like Nelu his old friend.
But I need to… need to feel the sun, the heat, the 'almost' pain.
Stay here on the ground, in front of the hangar doors… no planes are flying from this airport much anyhow.
Rivulets of sweat have run down my face and chest… pooled in the creases of my stomach and seeped into my shorts…
Down my back… I can feel the sun playing across my spine as I roll from back to front and back again.
Slow… hot!
I know my skin is slowly turning a healthy brown again.
And the colour hides the rips.
The heat torches me… but burns a few layers of old skin off my body.
Heals a few pains and hurts.
Steams the wrinkles from my soul.

I have abandoned myself to the sun, the heat and the sweat.
Want it to grow a new me inside of myself… if possible.
Burn away the scars that no-one can see in me… make me want to live again!
It is quiet enough to hear the flies buzzing… as they torment the dog, a few feet from me in the shade of a large wooden box.
In the tower behind me… I can hear the distant crackling of the radio.
Calls and news from planes somewhere far away, accompanied by the creaking of the old wind speed wheel.
I welcome the silence and the scratchy voices, the flowing mirage of water on the open space in front of me.
The slow… heavy heat that licks at my wounds in a way that I don't have to show I have them.

This is day 3 of this painful delight… I am all but liquefied inside but feeling better with each burn on my skin.
The coconut oil smell lingers in the air around me… a sensual delight of memories from far away.
But my shoulders and nose need a little more protection.
Sun-screen lotion, that I had covered Alex in, … all over his body, as he is only wearing skimpy underpants these days.
10 years old.
A little dark haired beauty, with deep eyes and quick grasp of English.
He is Nelu's son… and Trev's special friend.
Gets to sleep in the little blue tent with Trev on the far side of the hangar, beside the open-air showers.
Well… that was the first night!
Now Alex finds it not so exciting any longer and wishes himself a bed… not hard ground beneath thin blankets.
So the next night found him wandering back to the camper in the middle of the night.
And slipping on to the bed in the back of the camper with me.
Asleep in 2 seconds… after waking me up.
He smells of sweaty boy, his little white underpants are too bright in my eyes…a light-house beacon for lost desperate souls or desires…?!
Rolls all over me for half the night, with me whimpering inside and thinking of his father who is sleeping off the many beers, above us!

But, breakfast is a battleground.
Nelu decides to just be gone.
Trev is fuming and bangs around the pots… and Alex stretches like a cat and smiles.
He is a little boy quite sure of his seductive powers over this old fool…my friend.
And wins, hands down, when he nonchalantly pees into the grass besides the tree under which we are eating… showing us his pert naked bum and waggles his plump excited penis at us… giggling and smirking at Trev.
Sits on his lap, smootches a kiss on him and steals his toast… to only the weakest of protests from Trev.

Alex and I don't get along just yet.
I am too strict maybe?
Too un-moved by his cute-ness and his seductive charms?
Not willing to give him everything he asks for and indulge his every whim.
So it is clear that we have to find our battle and have it out!

Day 2 brings it closer.
Alex and I have had words and stares and stomping of little feet.
Had high kicking laughter at games with the water-gun I had brought as a present for him.
Had exasperation at my friend 's in-ability to set some limits and boundaries… and tough words with father… who's answer is another bottle of beer.

Had to fight for my peace in the sun.
But won.
And in the night Alex was back… hot little body of some divine being, sleeping like an angel pushed into me.

And I …I wanted to be alone, please… alone!
Heat, sun on my skin… dreams of half-reality.
Healing a little.
Not really wanting to heal …a little boy!
Or maybe just the one inside of me?

I know there is hurt inside of that little dark haired, big eyed boy.
A mother's death, only a few years back, unresolved.
Oh yes… in all the boisterousness and casual disregard, Alex hurts.
Maybe a little too much.
Too much for me… I want to forget boys like him.
Forget that I was a boy once.
Forget the one I am.

But that is also lying to myself again.
Was it not all about NOT being able to forget?
About all those bits and pieces that I had stuffed into the back corners of my head… hoping they would stay away from my life.
Instead… I had to admit to myself that they were my life.

And this little boy… was annoying and demanding.
Was tiresome in his need.
An easy target for MY need… to try to push the world away.
To put some distance between me and life.
Oh damn it, he was so much… life!
Even when moody… it was seeping out of him. Life!
And I was not so ready yet to have life come back to me with such easy grace and energetic demanding-ness.
Was not decided yet about it all… this living, this life.
Wanted to start with sun and warmth… being alone and shedding my skin again.
Not with old ways of caring for a boy.
Please let me be!

But Alex does not.

3 Men pushed around like stones on a checker-board by a willful young boy.
It is ridiculous, to say the least.
So when another tantrum has toast flying through the air… I yell at Alex to go and leave for a while… get lost and don't come back until you are ready to show some respect to others here.
Tell him to his crunched up little face and angry snorts that this is the line…
Here, now.
He was going to tow it…the line, while here with us…with me!
No more of that manipulative nastiness.
Enough… simply enough!
Get!

And he does.
Walks away… to the far end of the airport.
Trevor is worried.
I am not.
Little shit had been pushing the limits too long.
And in MY bed each night!
So my friend and I have angry words… until I walk away.
To my spot by the hangar doors… in the sun.
To my solitude.

Where I am wrestling with myself and my emotions. Where all the fear and desperation washes through me again.
I need to be away. Really, it should be me, that is walking around out there…on the edge of the airfield, behind the river of wavering tarmac.
That small boy, crunching on his anger and his fear.
I know what he feels… and should be holding him close… not send him away.
But that is not my role…is it?

So I sweat and sweat the heat of the battle inside of me as well.
So easy to pretend it all does not matter… but it does.
His mother, my father.
Many years apart we are, but close in all the unresolved pain that brings us to the edge of ourselves.
Yeah, I know, Alex… I know why you do what you do… if we could only find a safe harbour for our fears and a shoulder for our tears.
But we are locked in our desperate games of pretending to be stronger than we are… both of us.

Lunchtime, and still no Alex.
Nelu, his father is unconcerned. And reaches for the first beer of the day.
Trev is busy trying to get permission to fly and so is off talking with the airport commandant.
I worry.
Not because of my words or actions.
No… but because there is a hurting little boy out there somewhere, hiding in the tall grass at the end of the runway.
I am not sure where he is and my calls remain unanswered.

So after another hour in the sun, I go and have a shower.
On the far side of the hangar, behind some corrugated metal fence are a few showerheads over haphazard tiles.
But gloriously open to the sky and the sun.
The water from the cistern is warm from the sun… and it feels good outside and in, to be able to rinse of the sweat and dirt.
Wash away some tears and cleanse a few fears.

As I open my eyes, to look for the shampoo, I am suddenly faced with Alex… leaning by the entrance, looking at me.
Watching.
Gracefully balancing on one leg, the other one toying with some stones on the tiles. His dark eyes peering at me from underneath the black curls that fall into his face some.
He keeps looking at me… as I look at him and the seconds tick away.
One of his hands is idly scratching the inside of his thigh just below the white underpants, which shine against his darkened skin.
He is a beautiful boy… but sullen and brooding.
'Hello Alex…found your way back?!'
He is silent and scans me again… finally looking into my eyes.
'Can you hand me the shampoo….please?'
Alex stretches up for the bottle on the top of the corrugated fence…I can not help it, my eyes are drawn to the tight, white fabric covered bum…flexing in the stretch and the muscles in his calves that are taunt with him having to lift himself up on his toes.
An exquisite little beast he is!
I shake my head as to myself… no, this is not going anywhere!
But he dances up to me now…careful to stay away from the spray… and hands me the bottle… just to hold on to the end of it!
I am surprised and puzzled.
But he holds on.
As do I.
My hand almost around his on the shampoo-bottle.
He smirks.
I am not sure where this will go…
But if he wants to, he can have some play!
And in one quick shift am close to him, my hand on his arm and a quick lift into my body… he squeals… as I step back under the shower.
With him in my arms!
He twists and turns… slippery little boy… but I hold onto him and laugh.
We are under the warm spray, there are small giggles between the squeaks… and … his arms have found their way around my neck.
I twirl and he is hanging only from my neck with legs flung wide and water droplets flying off him, glittering in the sunshine.
Even after stopping he is not letting go, so I have to bend down and kneel in front of him.
What is all this happiness doing inside of me?
Why am I smiling and snickering myself?

His wet underpants are clinging to his skin… as I try to slip them off him.
So I roll them off his body down his legs.
Alex is already squeezing some shampoo from the bottle…onto my hair.
He is smiling and giggling while he rubs it into my hair.
I rinse it off… only to find a small hand grasping playfully at my penis while my eyes are closed and foam is running down my body.
Alex laughs and runs from my chasing hands once I have washed the foam off.
But gets cornered by me in the far side of the shower place.
Lifting him up and over my shoulder I carry him back, while he whoops and shrieks with glee.
Stand him under the warm spray and proceed to wash him head to toe… including his pesky little tail that stands at attention the whole time.

Dry him off and folded in my towel he waits for me to pull on some shorts until he asks softly…' Carry me …please?'
The sadness has returned for both of us it seems… as we look into each others eyes. His are wide and a little too moist.
I lift him up… into my arms… his head comes to my shoulder and his legs around my waist.
He sighs as we stand in the sunshine outside the shower place.
I hold him close. He clasps me closer.
The towel has fallen off him… he does not care.
As we walk across the empty apron in front of the hangar, Alex in my arms…
'No more fighting please Alex… no more being nasty, ok…?'
He is silent.

Stands in the speckled shade of the tree, naked… head tilted up to look at the leaves and the sky behind them… and sneaks a biscuit from the box!
Ignores my outstretched hand with clean pants until I put them on his head!

The single light bulb over the hangar doors is weak and casts a yellow glow more than lighting anything.
But it is enough to make out the little boy walking slowly over from the back…from the tent, into which Alex and Trev had disappeared soon after dinner, claiming sleepiness.

Now he is back… wandering over here through the warm night.
In his white little underpants, eating a chocolate bar.
Slides up to me… looks at me with chocolate mouth, pushes my arms apart and folds himself into them, sitting in my lap.
I can smell the shampoo from earlier, on his hair.
Stroke the soft skin on his back and hold him close.

We share a little loneliness tonight, Alex and I.
Make a little of the pain go away by holding on to each other.
Hoping for an easy sleep.
When I lift him up into bed and crawl next to him… he rolls back into my arms and kisses me hard on the mouth.
No words… not really necessary between us.
We know where we hurt.
He holds my thumb in his fist, body curled up against me all night, in a chaste embrace.
I can taste the chocolate on my lips.

This is what it always was… for those years.
Alex would find me, when he needed me close.
When some unspoken words needed to pass between us.
When the silence was all we could manage, for all the tears had drowned the words in us.
When it all came down to trust and respect.

TAK